All decked out live oak fl

Sorry for what I assume is about to be a long and emotional post. I desperately need some advice and I've been on the verge of tears since I woke up so I figured I would try reddit.
I have been called quiet or weird or even autistic throughout my whole life. When I was in high school, I was hospitalized for depression and ever since then I have been thinking more about myself. Therapy has never worked for me but I keep trying anyway. I entered college this past year and got a new therapist. I was having a lot of trouble focusing and began to research ADHD which also brought about autism information. I brought my concerns to my therapist at the time (who has since ghosted me) who validated my concerns and said I should try neuropsych testing. As I live in the US, it was a very expensive decision. I have had the same psychiatrist for 2 or 3 years now but she recently broke my trust and I can not change doctors because of insurance. I brought my concerns to her in a four page document detailing all my experiences, symptoms, and thoughts. I was actually quite shocked when she gave me a referral for someone who could perform the testing in the same clinic.
I can not make eye contact and it is very hard for me to verbally communicate with people, particularly people in what I perceive to be a position of power. Our verbal interview lasted less than 5 minutes then I did all the tests. I did not bring my notes because I figured I should go in trying to appear unbiased but I greatly regret that now. My mother, who thinks I am making this up but is doing her best, was my childhood expert. I asked her what the testing guy asked and she said he just asked if she noticed anything out of the ordinary when I was growing up. I was stunned--shouldn't there be more questions or specific behavior that she could have noticed?
Well I finally got the results a month ago and I have been diagnosed with something along the lines of "difficulty focusing due to mental conditions" or something like that and "traits of class A personality disorder (schizoid type)." I did not identify with some of the things he described for schizoid personality disorder (later I looked it up and it looks like you can not diagnose someone with autism and this disorder, it seems like a lot of the social side of autism). I asked so many questions and had so many objections in the meeting with the tester where he told me. He waved them off mostly. I have never revealed my childhood trauma because I have a lack of trust with all the mental health professionals in my life. It feels like they always leave or invalidate me. I asked him if childhood trauma could overshadow or hide any of the things that he was looking for. He said no but I only later found out that he barely asked my mother anything at all. She also only 2 days ago told me that she was tested for something by her mother (she doesn't know what) because she was 'gifted' but 'wouldn't talk.'
I don't know what to feel. Am I making this all up? Am I clinging to the idea that I have autism? Are the people that are supposed to help me and give me answers letting me down? What do I do? My friends seem quite upset on my behalf and say that I should report the tester if I feel comfortable. They do not even know everything that I have described in this post. Should I try to get another test? Should I get an appointment with the tester and try to voice my concerns again? I tried talking to my psychiatrist and she shut me down completely. Everything I do is so expensive and I don't even trust myself.
I should mention that I have a severe lack of trust with myself and would sincerely require an official diagnosis to take it seriously.

This is for a training position I applied for and the presentation needs to be up to 10 minutes on the topic of how to set up email out of office. I have already been given the company approved deck template and I have done many presentations in the past. My outline so far is: brief history/anecdotes of when to set an OOO, screenshots of how-to, live presentation, q&a.
I believe since a job opportunity rides on this, I am overthinking it. I have looked online for formal presentation formatting, but any advice on what is appropriate, ideas, ways to stand out is greatly appreciated!

For a little context, I’m a seasoned pet owner, so I feel a little silly being so stressed out with this situation- but I’m feeling what I’m feeling and figure it’s best to just work with it.
Recently I moved away from home for school to an apartment that doesn’t allow cats/dogs, but has no problem with pets that live in enclosed spaces. This is my first time living without a housemate and away from home so it’s been really tough. After a lot of thought, I decided I needed a companion because being alone all the time was starting to take a toll on my mental health and after a lot of research and talking with friends who had experience owning them, I decided to adopt a baby ball python.
Despite doing all the research and making sure I could meet all of her needs, I felt this overwhelming panic on the way home from picking her up that’s been hard to shake. Realistically, I know I can take good care of her- I’ve had bearded dragons and geckos that lived long and healthy lives, so I’m no stranger to reptile handling and I’ve always wanted to have a snake, I just never found a time in my life when it was possible (roommates didn’t like them, or I didn’t have the money/space to house them). My friends are all being very enthusiastic and supportive, but I can’t shake this nagging sensation that I might fail… Is feeling this way a sign I made a mistake?
Any advice would really help. Thanks

this isn't the right place for me to type but it's been eating me for past few days and i don't know where to type it
my father my papa died 10years July,2013 ago due to a cardiac arrest he was taken to hospital alive but was bought dead and neither me and my mom knew it until he came home and one would think 10 years is such a long time but is it really? I still can't move on from that visuals , of him in his deathbed in all white , or my mom's scream when she saw him not breathing anymore the tons of people gathered outside our house when would a day come when i would be able to recall him and just the happy memories when would this constant flashback of that one moment - him in all white , nose bleeding red which runs behind the back of my brain would stop
it's crazy to think it would be 10 years and yet sometimes i still wait at 8:30 for him to come back home from his work Maybe i still haven't accepted it fully and as July approaches i can do nothing but crumble and go spiralling My ma is worst i can't even talk about him without her eyes shedding tears and her going spiralling down i mean he was just 35 why would it happen to him and i often ask the question why me and why my maa? because of that i have lost a faith in God too everyone around me is very religious and i do have my believe in them too but too actually visit is something i just can't bring myself to do inspite people telling me and i wish this would not be the case he was a very spiritual person and wouldn't have wanted this for his daughter i was so young and it was all happy the night before we played like any happy family would and the next morning he was just gone it's so hard to live without you papa without your radiant smile and kind voice , without the words of encouragement and especially when i see my friends and classmates with their dad's I Miss you dad and mumma does too I hope you are in peace whereever you are
this whole post is a bit all over the place and not even matches with community since I'm a single daughter and sincerely apologise for it I just needed to let this out and here another opinion I can't discuss it with mom since anything reminding of him and she falls into circle of blackhole and tears and it's hard getting her back to jovial self also her birthday is approaching and i don't want her gloomy during that time

Many of you have seen my posts here for the last several months. Thank you for your patience and your kind replies. My family are from the US. Between 2000 and 2009 my wife and I lived together abroad twice, but the arrival of kids and a very tight budget meant that it was domestic travel only vacations for us since that time. Mostly by car.
This year, a series of events conspired to allow us to travel internationally and we settled on Belize. I went on this sub and found out that our trip of six days six days/five nights was not enough so we talked on two more days. Still not enough, I know, but all we could manage.
So we are leaving for Belize this coming weekend and I’m super excited. I get all nerdy and giddy when I travel. I want to know as much as I can about the culture and people and try to do gather as much of the country into that trip as I can. Sadly, we are spending our time only in SI/Cayo and San Pedro/Caulker in our limited time. Next time (🤞🏼) we will do the north and south (looking w teay eyes at you, Hopkins & Placencia 🥹).
But sincere thanks to you all for induldging my earnest, random, and ignorant questions. So, here are some questions that have been swirling around my brain. None are dire. But I thought, I’d stick them up here to see if they might find some answers here and there from anyone with the tile, patience, and inclination to do so.
So, random questions:

1. How much cash should we have on hand each day (3 in Cayo and 4 on Ambergris/Caulker) I know smaller bills are preferable, but I’ve only seen bits and pieces on some threads on this sub.
   
2. You take one (packable) food ingredient back to the US with you from Belize. Something that will make cooking better back home. What is it?
   
3. What run do I need to take home and where do I get it. I heard about Traveler’s 81? I like sipping a good sipping rum.
   
4. What drink do I need to try at what bar, restaurant, whatever in Caulker, San Pedro, or San Ignacio? If you make the best drink in those towns, I’ll come over if invited! 😂😂
   
5. If you’ve traveled to Belize and returned to your home country, what is something that you have that reminds you of your trip? Besides the wonderful memories?
   
6. Guide at Xunantunich? Or just explore?
   
7. I’ve heard the jungles are surprisingly mosquito free. Is that true? Especially this time of year (early June)?
   
8. Is Belize a culture that barters at markets? Or is a price a price? To looking to score on a vendor. Just want to understand the culture. Thinking of street vendors selling non-food and market in SI.
   
9. Tipping culture in Belize?
   
10. Hot and humid day when going to guided tour at ATM. Pants still preferred given the journey (scrapes and cuts on rocks etc)?
    

OK. I think I’ve got it out of my system. But I might come back for more!!!

Hey everyone. I’m a 22M and I’m currently enrolled in university. Me and my sister decided to get a puppy for my parents after my mom lost her sister and my father lost his brother. We figured it would get their mind off of their passing and get busy with the puppy instead. It’s been two and a half weeks since we’ve had him and he is going to be 3 months old in a week. During the past week, I’ve been regretting getting him. He has destroyed my life pretty much. I cannot find the time to go to the gym, I cannot study an online coding class that I had a planned to, I have not seen my friends, I missed a close friend’s graduation, I cannot get a job, I’ve had no sleep as he wakes me up multiple times during the night to go pee outside. I am losing my mind and I have not stressed this much my entire life. I can’t even sleep as I start stressing in my sleep and always watching over him in my dreams. I wake up with an insanely high heartbeat thinking he has done something wrong, even though he might be asleep in his crate. I think you get the idea. My sister lives at her own place with her two cats. My dad works night shifts, and when he comes home in the mornings, he’s super tired and needs to sleep. My mom has started going to school again and can’t really watch the dog. Point is I have to pretty much take care of him by myself entirely. We live in an apartment and I feel bad for him and for myself. Yesterday he was terrible. All he did was nothing but bark. He’s super moody. He peed inside even though he had just peed outside 15 minutes before. It just kept getting worse. He was up till 1 AM. Everything I put him in his crate he would just scream. His bedtime was supposed to be 10:30PM. He doesn’t like going out because it’s super hot. He pretty much never walks when I bring him out. Just lays down in the grass and eats it. He bit me so hard when I went to remove a tissue from his mouth. He hates his crate and never voluntarily goes into it to sleep. He doesn’t listen to me at all and therefore I can’t train him at all. Sometimes when he does listen, he gets mad at me after a few commands because I’m not giving him the food right away, and therefore I cannot provide him much mental simulation. I’ve bought him 300$ worth of toys and chews yet he still goes to bite the furniture and if I stop him from doing so, he gets angry at me. My parents are pressuring me to give it away. I don’t think he likes me at all. I’m at my limit, I had a breakdown yesterday and this morning I cried remembering how he used to run with me the first day I got him and now I need to give him away. Please help me out. Can anyone tell me the schedule for their puppy that worked? Where can I train him if I can’t do it at home? How many times a day and and how much water do I give him everyday? How much training does he need a day? How much should he walk? Please help me out with any tips you have. I’m starting to dislike him and can no longer see him in my life. I’m already busy and I will be even busier when I’ll need to go back to engineering school. I want to do the right thing and give him away if I have to.

From living in a dodgy area, in a crummy house with a my dad working 20 hour days to get his business going he has found considerably great success. We have 4-5 cars, a nice house and going on holidays frequently. All of which we keep to ourselves and don’t have social media.
However, only until recently we’ve renovated, making the house even nicer.
Previously I never invited my friends over as I didn’t really like to expose the things we have. But now we have a hang out space and my parent insisted on having some fiends over. Which I did. When they came over, they started by bringing plus ones, my friends began making themselves more than at home. Looking around, opening doors that were closed, and touching our kitchen. Whilst it was uncomfortable, I let it slide.
Throughout the night they didn’t shut up about whether my dad had his cars in the garage and if we could see them. Which I think was to show off to the plus ones. But mainly the night felt as if I was being used as an almost status symbol to show they know wealthy people.
I am 18, I’ve had the same friends since I was 10. They seemed loyal up until I started talking to others, which I realised that the questions of what my family have never was a frequent point of discussion which is amongst my friends. My dad has landed 2 of my friends jobs, help my other friends parents in all aspects. And it almost feels as if they believe the things belong to them. All my friends families are more than comfortable. All have nice houses, for first cars form parents which I didn’t, and also go on holidays. Yet our wealth is always put to the mic. Should I cut them off?

Hey pop punkers! I'm one of the hosts of the just launched 00s Pop Punk rate that is happening over at popheads right now, and I wanted to let you all know about it!
The jist of rates is simple, you listen to all the songs and assign a score from 1-10 to every one using this ballot, and you can write a comment about each song if you want! You can find more specific details in the main post HERE, or check out this short video for a more detailed primer of what exactly rates are, or just ask away here!
From global sensations like Blink-182 and Jimmy Eat World to smaller fan favourites like Motion City Soundtrack and Something Corporate, there's a ton of classics in here and I would love to see some fans take part!

Hi ive been struggling a lot with two things. Everyone therapists, redditors, my friends and even me when i look objectively agree that my mom was physically verbally and emotionally abusive to me. But still when i talk to her (i now live away and she has mellowed down with age) i cant be mad. And i cant believe that the same.person who is so loving can be so horrible. Ive blocked out a lot of memories of the worst times that my brother told me and little bits are coming back but ill never fully remember. How do i accept that she was indeed abusive? Could she have been abusive with good intentions is that possible? And how do i reconcile that my mom who is a good person did all this to me and my brother?

1 - Wonderful memorable companions: Beside Dogmeat, i can't remember a name of any companion on Fallout 3 for my life, what i remember is:
Evil dude who like evil stuff and only roam with you, if you're evil. Generic soldier woman from Facisthood of Steel. Slave ghoul whose the whole personality is based in blow up the head of his previous owner. If have any other, i have no ideia and i don't bother to find
Meanwhile in NV we have Bonne, Ed-e, Rex, Veronica, Cass "my beloved" Cassidy, Grandma Lilly, i don't even need to explain they because anyone who played NV knows it for sure, even if you just pass by for anyone of those wonderfully written characters instantaneously get they personality, damn even the temporary companion on DLCs got way better than anything F3 throws upon you. New Vegas keep the tradition of cool and badass companions from the classic games, even i who use to play this kind of game solo love get those guys with me to roam the Mojave.
2 - Factions: Fallout 3 have all flavors of well developed factions, it have the Fascisthood of Steel, Fascisthood of Steel but with rust, Fascisthood (not of Steel) whose supossed have be destroyed by the Chosed One, also people living in a broked boat.
Beside the lack of variety, work for the factions barely matters, the quests affect the world little or nothing.
In New Vegas not only you can do a real "evil" playthrough (i really hate the legion, but it's there to you to join) it have a lot of more factions, real ones, not only bad guys vs good guys, you have a whole spectrum of variety to chose, everyone have your pros and cons.
Not only this, those factions affect the world along with consequences of your actions beside they, you can turn a slave camp in a radioactive trap, making the npcs on the area use hazard protection suits.
You can find a outpost once filled with rangers who may save your ass (it happened to me on my last playthrough) and you can beg for some medic supplies slaughtered and turned in a trap for unsuspected people.
You can resupply a part of the map with energy on a power plant and see the lights on during the night
Damn, even the goddamn raiders have factions, leaders, quests and interactions with other factions.
3 - The DLCs: Shoutout for Mothership Zeta, my favorrite and the only good DLC on Fallout 3, if i've to replay this game probably will be for this DLC, it's a real change of pace and a break from the scenario, beside the new enemies, the DLC characters are way funnier and better developed than the main game.
Beside that, all the DLC from F3 are boring a fuck, you have the End Game 2 Fascisthood Boogalloo, Other generic urban apocalypse but with orange collor or something and Point Lookout (i kinda like it at the beginning, but it lose me at the middle)
Even, with people always debating the quality of the NV DLCs or wich one is the best Old World Blues, i don't dislike any of the DLCs each one have they individual merits like well written characters, nice stories and tons of new weapons or armors to collect.
Each one of the DLCs also have they own.
Dead Money have his bits of survival horror, striping the player from all his gear and throw him at a hostile place full of ways to die horribly.
Honest Hearts have a lot of adventure vibe for me, where you change the ruins of civilization to a more "natural" and "savage" place where the apocalypse haven't changed that much of the ambience and nature prevails.
Old World Blues, have that vibe of weirdness in each step you take, with lots of crazy references from the 50's sci-fi whose the franchise took his style.
My only statement would be with Lonesome Road, not amazing like the rest, but isn't bad, is very good, it's like people saying Dark Souls 2 is the worse Dark Souls, isn't by far a bad game but it's the less awesome from a awesome franchise.
I could write a undergraduate thesis all over why Fallout New Vegas is superior to three, but i gonna stop with those three points.
Also some points taked on the other post.
New Vegas don't have "dungeons" ? Like what literally D&D dungeons ? I mean it have a lot of places to explore on the map, most complex ones are usually filled with a quest or it's part of a quest, but i don't remember so memorable "dungeons" on F3 to say it's way superior to Fallout New vegas.
The random encouters, see, it's part of Bethesda philosphy on game design, the main stories usually suck or you feel literally no tension, but it filled with lots of "funny" or well written micro events who randomly appears (some people only see some of those events in some of they playthroughs).
It's a thing i like to call three line quests, you help hunters to kill a Deathclaw, fix a robot for some dude or disable a slave collar from a NPC, it's feels good and makes the world fell a bit more organic, but once those NPCs get out of your view they usually disapear and you never heard about they again.
New Vegas take a different approach on those, you have those, not with a random chance of appear, but pre scripted to appear in some random places under certain conditions on player, like being at some level or completed some quest, some of those events may trigger quests like Malcon Homes and Legend of Blue Star, others are consequences of quests, like a dead NCR caravan with some mutated spore creature from Vault 22 after you send a sample to the scientists who hired you.

TW SH I feel stressed 24/7, my stomach hurts so much, I can't even breathe. It's been like this for weeks and it's getting so much worse. I'm still a child but I feel like I'm getting older so quickly, I'm afraid I'll never achieve anything, I don't even have any talents and I don't even have likes or dislikes, no hobbies, no friends. Everyone my age is enjoying their lives, but I don't even have friends and I don't have a personality. I feel like I want to cry all the time, but when I actually try to cry to feel better, no tears come out, I just cannot cry. I don't know what's happening, it's not getting better, it's getting even worse and I don't have anyone I could tell this to. My only friend is just an imaginary character I made up because I was lonely. My family doesn't even care, I don't know how to make things better, it's getting worse and worse everyday. Nobody likes me, I'm a terrible person, I wish I could just disappear because I'm too weak to kill myself anyways, there is no escape from this feeling, I don't know what to do. I did things I never thought I would, I never expected to actually cut myself, I never thought I would but I did, I'm afraid someone will notice, the scars aren't disappearing even though it was already over a month ago. My stomach hurts all the time, I thought it was because of hunger but everytime I take any food, I just don't even feel hungry anymore. I just feel so anxious all the time, I'm too stressed to do anything, I'm homeschooled but I haven't done any work in the last month so I have so much schoolwork to do but no motivation, I feel like I'm too stressed to do anything. I would appreciate any tips on how to make myself feel better, I tried everything I could but nothing helps. Thanks for reading and sorry for possible grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.

As far as I (24 F) can remember I always had trouble getting attracted to men and at first I attributed it to me just being super picky, and even when I met people who basically checked all my boxes, I found myself dissociating as soon as they would express interest even if there'd be nothing wrong on the surface. For a short while I thought maybe I'm just not into men and tried to explore my attraction to girls but to no luck. Its extremely difficult for me to feel romantic connection to anyone under normal circumstances. The reason I say this is because there have been short lived instances where I have noticed a pattern of me getting infatuated/obsessed with certain people who I have had a push and pull sort of dynamic with. Like someone comes into my life, expresses just a tiny bit of interest where I would be unaffected and as soon as they pull back a little, I start trying super hard for them to keep liking me. Which is so confusing because I highly doubt it has to do anything with how I feel about them as much as their feelings about me. I don't know if it's just my twisted need to be liked by others or if I'm just attracted to the idea of unavailability. Because as soon as the same set of people have come back into my life, my interest has dissipated instantly and I could not be bothered, this has probably led me to hurting a lot of people's feelings but I don't know what I can do, I cannot feel anything for them if they feel something for me. When I recognised this pattern, I swore myself off any kind of romantic or sexual engagement at all, and it wasn't difficult since I suspect I am aromantic and have a very low libido anyway. But now it's become very tiring to keep explaining myself in my circles because there is this idea that I should have a partner by my side and I find my friends pitying me a little. I really hate this because I wish they could understand that it is a conscious choice and every now and then I can sense when they'd be trying to set me up with someone or just randomly say things like oh, now it's the time for us to find you a guy when all of us would hang out or travel together and they'd have partners while I'd be chilling by myself. I understand that they're looking out for me in their own way but sometimes it just cuts me really deep because this constant expectation of having a plus one makes me feel like I'm a social failure even though I am quite content otherwise. Sometimes when I look back on my past behaviours and even current if I'm not careful where I do get obsessed with some people and act recklessly, I start questioning it myself if I truly am asexual or I just have an unhealthy attachment style. Has anyone found themselves in similar kind of situations, can you please share how to navigate through this mental murk? Should I seek therapy or this is normal and I should just find better ways to ward off unwanted matchmaking?

OW's 8 year journey can teach us a lot about patterns that will show up again. The 8 years have seen many disappointments and objective failures
The most productive mindset is to learn from these failures. OW has a wide community of Gamers, Casual and Professional, but all passionate about gaming. Gaming existed before ow and will continue despite the direction of the game.
I knew a lot of OW players who only played this game. Now players are branching out. The ow experience was very traumatising for almost everyone involved and will stay with us probably for our whole lives I feel.
We must remember that no game is perfect and new games and old games are not guaranteed success.
As much as other games try to avoid the fate of ow, there's no way to predict how a game will develop after release. A lot of video games have tried to emulate ow's initial success AND avoid its immediate decline and we know how challenging it is.
Maybe ow was a fever dream created by a series of accidents that no one anticipated. Maybe it'll happen again by accident or intentionally, or maybe we'll never see a game have an effect on the world in the same way. Both futures are possible.
Whether you stay with ow or move on to a new game, you are now more informed and better prepared for the possible success and failure of whatever game you play. It's the game owners' money at stake, not yours. You are not bound to these games the same way their teams are. Don't let anyone else's failures keep you away from your happiness and success. You didn't make the bad decisions so you should feel no responsibility.
Gaming companies are all seeing the consequences of bad decisions and we will which ones will figure it out

I'm 25 years old, and last spring I made the decision to move out of state. I had lived on my own before, but when I made this choice I was living with my mom. I moved three states and 10 hours away, and got a job using my degree that I had never used before. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I have some family in this state but none I'm super close to. But it's mostly the friends - I am a very social person, and living alone in a new state, new job, new place has been extremely lonely and isolating. I have made one pretty good friend over the last year but it's not the same at all (who is an object of my personality disorder, but I won't get into that. The short is I have BPD and this person is taking the "favorite person" role in that). I miss my large social circle back home. It is making me depressed.
Honestly I had been considering it for awhile, but the nail in the coffin was spending memorial day with those hometown friends. I knew I missed them / was homesick, but that made it SO much worse.
I like the company I work for but I hate my job. It is my first job post graduation, and I have realized that I dislike the field I decided to go into when I was 18 and picking a college major. I hate office work, which I know isn't an unpopular opinion, but I felt so much more fufilled when I was doing my old job - which was bartending, which I had been doing since I was 18. I was making GREAT money (for bartending, I think the last year I did it I was gonna pull about 45k part time at a big nightclub in my city).
I have recently considered moving back in with my mom. I want to be around people I know again. I want to go back to bartending. I contacted my boss from my old nightclub job & told him what I'm considering. He told me that whenever I move, let him know and he will put me back on the schedule that day. He even made a facebook post on the bar's account to let people know I'll be back in a few weeks (even though I didn't say for sure, lol). I'm super conflicted, though.
Pros: Save money, be around friends and family again. Go back to job that actually made me happy. New career change, maybe start bartending full time and doing that as a career. go back to therapist that I had been seeing for years.
Cons: Massive paycut. Will miss my one friend a lot. Feel like I'm failing by not being able to stay in the new place. Moving in with mom. I have an AMAZING townhouse that I will likely not be able to afford a comparable thing to in old place. COL is much higher there
Mom thinks I'm blowing it cause I'm leaving a high paying job and she thought I liked it here. And I do, but I'm also severely depressed on top of it.
I dunno what to do. Guess I just want some advice or to talk about it.

Today is 2 years, 2 months, and 2 days of active recovery and sobriety for my husband. 26 MONTHS of recovery after 26 total YEARS of addiction. It’s crazy to realize how old we will have to be before he can have 26 years of recovery. That porn and this addiction took up so much of his life for such a long time. It has been 26 months since my husband has seen another woman nude. 26 months since he’s masturbated to another woman having sex on video. 26 months since he’s gotten sexual gratification from someone other than me. Honestly, had he been born 15 years later when the internet was already well up and running, the escalations in his addiction would be horrifying to imagine. I do not envy those of you who have addicts who began their addiction on the internet.
But I digress…the purpose of this post is to share a little hope but also some reality.
My husband is doing remarkably well in recovery and I am proud of him. The day I caught him was the last day he saw porn. He watched it in the morning, forgot to cover his tracks, and I caught him in the afternoon. I often wonder if he even remembers what he looked at that day…what images destroyed my life and overturned his. And he doesn’t…it was just another pair of photoshopped and filtered breasts, another plastic surgery enhanced butt, another day on NSFW reddit. All this turmoil and craziness in our lives for pixels he doesn’t even remember.
I am also proud of myself for my recovery. It is something I struggle with everyday…even after 2 years of work and therapy. I came into the relationship with major self-esteem issues and his disconnection in our relationship just increased those feelings over the all the years. And then D-day blew everything up. I struggle to feel attractive. To feel beautiful. To feel wanted. There are some major life choices that will affect us for the rest of our lives that he made due to his addiction that I have to accept. Things that I desperately wanted all my life that very well may never happen now and his addiction is 100% to blame.
It would be easy to just be angry at him all the time…and honestly he’d deserve it. But that wouldn’t be helpful for me. It would just keep me stuck in this negative place I’d love to leave for good. I have had to accept that choosing to stay in this relationship will mean choosing some struggles every day. They lessen a little everyday but I don’t ever think they will disappear entirely. But his recovery and our resulting relationship has absolutely been worth it. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have stayed.
I can honestly say that our relationship has never been better and never been stronger. I thought it was a joke when I first heard that in recovery podcasts. How could I possibly feel better in this relationship after knowing EVERYTHING I know about his addiction and all the women he continually chose over me for YEARS? But it’s true. For the very first time in the now 20 years we’ve been together I feel like I know this man. And I love this man. I hate the addict. I hate that asshole and I will blow up this relationship in an instant if I ever see him come back. But the man I’ve been with for the last two years…that is who I always wanted to be with.
I still don’t trust him 100% and I probably never will. But I’d say the trust is probably back somewhere between 85-90%. This man is someone who actually never wants to hurt me again. This man is someone who loves me with his entire heart. This man is someone who thinks I am brave and amazing and gorgeous and the best person he has ever known. My shy introverted husband is still shy and introverted but he smiles now. He laughs genuinely. I feel privileged to have seen genuine emotions and feelings (both good and bad) from him that literally no one else in his life as ever seen. He is happy and content and loving his life. And most importantly, I am happy.
The addict is still hiding somewhere deep inside of him because addiction is never truly cured, but he’s working hard every day to keep that asshole in some dark corner where he can never come out again.
For the first time in our relationship I genuinely feel loved, desired, and cherished. I feel like he is attracted to me for me and not for who porn has told him I should be. He cherishes and appreciates our relationship journey and all of its ups and downs through the years and realizes it is what makes us who we are. And it makes us stronger. I don’t look like what I did when we met when I was 18…but I’m not supposed to. I am 38 years old and have weathered the storm of addiction and survived. I am proud of myself and he thinks the world of me. He understands how brave I have to be to face this and is immensely grateful that I was willing to stay.
I shared this in a comment recently but wanted to make it a separate post because I think it needs to be seen by some of you just starting out in this journey. I know you don’t know me and I know you think you know your partner so much better than anyone else here. But you don’t know this addiction. You don’t know how it can steal that person you love away from you. And addiction will keep that person lying and stuck in shame and doing everything completely against his/her character just to keep the addiction alive.
White-knuckling does NOT work. Promises do NOT work. Every time I see a post from a partner where an addict has ‘cried for the first time’ and swore ‘he/she will never do it again because they love their partner so much and they never want to hurt them again’ but refuses to seek any help or support for something they’ve struggled with for years, my heart aches for that partner. Sobriety is not recovery. And recovery is not something 99.9% of addicts can achieve on their own. And they have to desperately want recovery for themselves and not as a bandaid to fix their relationship and keep you around.
I understand the deep desire to trust this person you’ve been vulnerable with and loved and cared for. But the addiction doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t love you. And all the love in the world cannot fix addiction on its own. If your addict refuses to seek help (whether through therapy, 12 step, accountability partners, etc), if they refuse to give you access to their phone (or pout and complain when you ask for it), if they refuse to give up hobbies and interests and prioritize those things over you, if they trickle truth you, if they cannot even attempt to be empathetic and supportive when you struggle, if they refuse to learn about the horror and dangers of the porn industry they support, if they gaslight you about your feelings and make you feel like you’re the problem because you don’t trust them, if they threaten to act out based on your actions and behaviors, if they use past history or trauma as an excuse for their behavior but refuse to get help to work through that trauma, if they refuse to prioritize their recovery and your recovery over everything/everyone else, your addict is NOT in recovery. And most likely they’re not even sober. The addiction is still very alive and well and in control inside them.
The definition of full active recovery will vary from couple to couple and the specific acting out behaviors involved with the addiction in their situation, however I think this should be a baseline for establishing active recovery.
There are lots of smaller, our relationship-specific rules for us (based on his past acting out behaviors) but these are the big ones for me:

• My husband works his recovery EVERYDAY - we do daily check-ins, he goes to several SAA meetings a week, we alternate solo and couples therapy each week, he does daily journaling, listens to recovery podcasts, calls and texts with SAA group sponsor and friends, etc. If I saw any of this recovery work start to slack that would be a huge red flag to me.
  • We are over two years into his recovery and sobriety. For the first year we both attended individual CSAT therapy once a week and he attended three SAA meetings a week (as well as everything else listed above). After the first year we both started working with our CSATs every other week and meetings with a couples CSAT on the alternating weeks. He also moved to two SAA meetings a week with my approval.
  • As we've hit the two year mark I am preparing to step down into monthly individual CSAT meetings, he will continue every other week with his CSAT and we will continue every other week couples work with our CSAT. After the first year he switched CSATs to someone who was more qualified to work with more of the internal thinking errors and childhood trauma/neglect that he really needed to address...that was just not a strong suit for his first CSAT.
  • He is continuing to attend two SAA meetings a week and all of the above recovery activities - journaling, reading recovery resources, recovery podcasts, calls and texts with his sponsor and SAA friends, etc and we continue with a daily FANOS check-in.
• He prioritizes his recovery first and then me and our relationship. I know that his recovery needs to be first because if he loses that, he loses everything. However, I am no longer at the bottom of the totem pole below work, friends, family obligations, professional obligations, hobbies, etc. For the first time in our relationship I actually feel like I am one of his top priorities.
• He is accountable with his time and location - if he's going to be late, he prioritizes calling me and telling me. He doesn't just decide to go make a second stop on his way home without letting me know. He just prioritizes me and my safety and that goes a long way towards building trust. • He makes time for my recovery - If I am struggling and need to talk, he's there for me. He leans into my struggles and works hard to acknowledge, validate, and reassure me. He doesn't get impatient or angry when I'm struggling. He shows up for me in ways he never did before. He's not perfect, that's for sure, but he really tries to lean into the uncomfortable conversations and situations without going to shame and making it all about him.
• No electronic devices, of any kind, in the bathroom or in bed - he will slip his phone into my purse if we're out and he needs to use a restroom...his phone charges on my nightstand at night. This is probably one that I will never be comfortable lifting based on his acting out behaviors and he's totally okay with that.
• Parental controls on all his devices - incognito mode is disabled and adult websites are blocked. I know that he could go around that and find 'not porn' porn in other places but this provides me a little safety and the fact that he's willing to do whatever I ask in regards to his devices helps build trust. o After we passed two years I stopped paying for Covenant Eyes...I feel like disabling incognito and adult websites on our Apple devices is good enough for my extra sense of security. I trust that he's not going to risk his sobriety or our relationship for that temporary dopamine hit.
• I can view his devices at any time and there is no hiding accounts, emails, etc. - Unfortunately his addiction means that there will not be surprise vacations or gifts in the near future (if ever). I don't feel the need to check often but he knows I can whenever I choose to and that keeping secrets from me (even if they're supposedly good secrets) isn't okay anymore.
• No social media - this may change over time but honestly he doesn't miss it. He realizes how much of a time suck it was and is happier without it. There is not a single social media platform that any addict NEEDS in his life. A refusal to give that up is a big red flag.
• Sex is optional - And if at any point either of us is not 100% connected and there in the moment, then we take a break. We don't use intimacy, in any form, as an escape for either of us. o No masturbation or selfish sex. He doesn't NEED an orgasm. For him, masturbation was always tied to porn use and his addiction and it's something he cannot and does not want to engage with anymore.
• No nudity/sex scenes in media - if we're watching something and a sex scene comes on he turns his head and looks at me. He's willingly given up some of his favorite tv shows, video games, book series, and comic books due to the graphic content. That means a lot to me. For example, he loved The Boys tv show...he will likely never watch it again. He didn't overtly sexualize media (because it was easier to just go find porn later) but he can see how it was that gateway to kicking off his addiction cycle. His willingness to give up activities that he enjoyed in the past is one of the biggest things that shows me that he is in active recovery. He isn't fighting for this game or that show or whatever. He does what is needed to keep me comfortable and safe because that is his priority. Not the current hit tv show or video game.

Again, this is what works for us based on his particular addiction habits and my betrayal trauma. Other people may have more extensive or slightly less extensive requirements for active recovery. But you have to demand more from your addict partner if he/she truly wants to show you that they’re in recovery. I know that my husband is in active recovery because he is 100% present in our conversations and in our relationship. He isn't hiding in secrecy and shame like he used to. Once you experience an addict in active true recovery you won't be fooled again. His behavior and actions are night and day from what they used to be and I know that I would know if something changes.
When you share here that you feel like you’re going crazy or you feel like something is wrong or you feel like you can’t trust him, there’s a reason for that. If an addict is not in true active recovery you won’t feel safe, you will feel crazy, and you will feel like you can’t trust him. Because you can’t. The addiction is still in control. Don’t accept half measures. Don’t accept ‘his/her’ rules for recovery. You all deserve so much more than that. I wish all of you could feel how I feel now. Feel that underlying struggle that is ever present but feel how much more connected and loved I feel for the first time in decades. You deserve to be loved by someone who can love you with their whole heart. And I truly wish that all of you will be able to experience that someday, whether with your current partner or with someone who is willing to put in the work for you.
And if someone happens to get all the way to the end of this (thanks for reading!) and wonders why I chose today to post, it’s because I am a little superstitious still and didn’t want to post precisely on the two year mark. No other special reason. Sending you all big hugs and all my support. My DMs are always open and I’m always happy to listen.

We have a month of vacations till mid-July and I'm (20M) feeling quite lonely. Got no friends in my new apartment and there don't seem to be any people around my age here. I used to go and play basketball with a group of guys this time last year but they never really talked to me much outside the game and I can't find them this time. Talking to my parents can get quite frustrating and my sister keeps to herself in her room, so I'm mostly by myself at home, watching movies or gaming. I go for walks in the evening and hit the apartment gym, mostly so I can get out of my house for a bit.
I've got a handful of friends who live in my city, but they're all pretty far off and busy. 3 of us met up yesterday and spent the whole day together so I don't think any more meetings will happen anytime soon. I text a bunch of people regularly but it's not the same as talking in person.
Any suggestions on what I can do to be a little less lonely here?

I'm 25 years old, and last spring I made the decision to move out of state. I had lived on my own before, but when I made this choice I was living with my mom. I moved three states and 10 hours away, and got a job using my degree that I had never used before. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I have some family in this state but none I'm super close to. But it's mostly the friends - I am a very social person, and living alone in a new state, new job, new place has been extremely lonely and isolating. I have made one pretty good friend over the last year but it's not the same at all (who is an object of my personality disorder, but I won't get into that. The short is I have BPD and this person is taking the "favorite person" role in that). I miss my large social circle back home. It is making me depressed.
Honestly I had been considering it for awhile, but the nail in the coffin was spending memorial day with those hometown friends. I knew I missed them / was homesick, but that made it SO much worse.
I like the company I work for but I hate my job. It is my first job post graduation, and I have realized that I dislike the field I decided to go into when I was 18 and picking a college major. I hate office work, which I know isn't an unpopular opinion, but I felt so much more fufilled when I was doing my old job - which was bartending, which I had been doing since I was 18. I was making GREAT money (for bartending, I think the last year I did it I was gonna pull about 45k part time at a big nightclub in my city).
I have recently considered moving back in with my mom. I want to be around people I know again. I want to go back to bartending. I contacted my boss from my old nightclub job & told him what I'm considering. He told me that whenever I move, let him know and he will put me back on the schedule that day. He even made a facebook post on the bar's account to let people know I'll be back in a few weeks (even though I didn't say for sure, lol). I'm super conflicted, though.
Pros: Save money, be around friends and family again. Go back to job that actually made me happy. New career change, maybe start bartending full time and doing that as a career. go back to therapist that I had been seeing for years.
Cons: Massive paycut. Will miss my one friend a lot. Feel like I'm failing by not being able to stay in the new place. Moving in with mom. I have an AMAZING townhouse that I will likely not be able to afford a comparable thing to in old place. COL is much higher there
Mom thinks I'm blowing it cause I'm leaving a high paying job and she thought I liked it here. And I do, but I'm also severely depressed on top of it.
I dunno what to do. Guess I just want some advice or to talk about it.

Gonna keep this super short.
I've been out of Uni for a while, almost a year now, and a few times during school I've accepted money from people from different schools to "help them" with miscellaneous tests/quizzes. Nothing too crazy, and everyone was happy.
Back to the present. Having been out of school, I've struggled to find a decent job or any job at all for that matter.
I thought back to my past and remembered this short-lived business of mine. I brought it up during casual conversation with my girlfriend as a somewhat decent way to make money, and she looked at me like I was worse than Hitler.
AITA if I pursue this as a means to make money? At least until I land a decent job?

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