I'm trying to create a Juice WRLD workout playlist. What are some good songs I should put in there?

All values in USD.
Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: nope because I'm planning on leaving the US (for my bf) after finishing school. Not sure how retirement balance works across countries.
Equity: nope but almost bit and bought a house in the middle of the insane housing price crisis? windfall?? in 2021. Boy would my life be different rn
Savings account balance: zip but 90k in bonds
Checking account balance: 60k
Credit card debt: nada, and using a debit card in Europe
Student loan debt: nothing, because my parents (bless them) paid for my (subsidized, bless FAFSA + need based scholarships) college tuition, and I got a free masters (thanks to my advisor + TAships) and am currently doing a free (aka on my advisor's bill again lmao + TAships) phd
Income
Income Progression: a string of tech internships (every single summer except freshman and masters and first year of phd) with pay from between 5500/month to 11000/month (pre-tax, adjusted for bonus and currency exchange rate) That high end was from a fancy startup and pre-brexit lmaoooo. Low end was gov work. And my current phd income is 2500/month, so this is actually an income regression lol
Main Job Monthly Take Home: Current internship is 5000/month but my overall taxes are low because I'm not here long enough for it to bump up my income taxes more than one rung. So keep in mind I make like 1700/month the rest of the year
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: I wish! Once I get my big girl job I'm going remote and setting up a ceramics studio, a grocery store, and then volunteering and making games. Work can go stuff itself. Honestly the more and more I work the more and more I feel like I want to turn stage left exit society, tyvm. People meme academia as being abstract and useless (and sometimes toxic...that one's deserved maybe) but unless you are at a specific type of company, corporate research can be equally "useless" but by way of having insanely short (as in, to production by year's end) deadlines so you're kind of forced to "fit a square peg into a round hole" eg work on a business problem that you (or your higher up) did not spend enough time defining and then somehow make it look like research when maybe the most cost-effective solution was something else entirely...sorry for rant
Do your parents pitch in monthly? Been financially independent since last year...to my great surprise. I used to be financially independent since undergrad graduation but apparently my mom started sneakily paying off my CC debt again in my phd so I had to change the linked bank account back. My mom thinks I'm poor lmao...I'm not
Expenses
Rent (includes utilities): 2000 ouch (Europe) + 500 (US) monthly
Transport: bike (free after fixed costs, yay!) and bus (free with school)
Renters insurance: none. Getting renter's insurance is like wearing my retainer...everyone tells me to do it (including myself) but I make up a million excuses as to not
Savings contribution: whatever's left in the month. Usually 400+-100
Investment contribution: is the stock market even real? I'm just kidding. But I don't really understand my finances, and I feel embarrassed about that, but at the same time I feel like after factoring in all my personal considerations, I'm better off not doing anything other than guaranteed bonds.
Debt payments: no. college is done, no house, no car
Cellphone: Prepaid in Europe, like 5 a month. But my US phone is actually on my parent's family plan. So I guess I'm still not financially independent...
Subscriptions: Occasional magazines 50 annually, school union 100 annually
Regular therapy: None. Therapy has been a hit and miss for me
Paid hobbies: Art supplies like 100 a year, books like 300 annually, audio like 100, bike stuff 100, kitchen stuff...400, fancy specialty ingredients...800, clothes 400 but my mom gifts me a lot over the holidays like 500-1000 worth, and gifts for f&f I budget around 800 a year
[Money Diary]
[Tuesday]
7am: wake. super groggy. Drink two gulps of fanta to actually wake and immediately regret it
8am: on the bus to work. Today is going to be a slow day which is nice.
8:30am: grab a rhubarb and rose yogurt for breakfast ($2). Delicious. Have to order this somehow when I'm back in the states.
12pm: Brought eggplant and bolognese for lunch. Eat with another intern and talk random stuff about our phds.
4:30pm: leaving early cuz today is my bf's last night in the country. I head to a bakery and grab a croissant and pretzel and baguette ($7) for him as an apology for an argument we had yesterday. I also head to a grocery to grab a pumpkin ($10) for curry later. I race to the bus! Almost miss it. Everyone is looking at me because I'm panting and I feel that strange awkwardness you get from being caught running without gym clothes.
6pm: Back home. We heat up leftovers (ramen for me and bolognese for him) and watch a chill video about balancing in gaming. It was either this or a math video and the math video was too long.
7pm: I ask him about when he's coming back to see me so I can let my mom know if my schedule fits my family's June paris trip or not (my mom's extremely hyped about this so I would like to come.) Because he's been dragging his feet figuring out his schedule we get into another argument, which then carries back into our argument from yesterday.
9pm: Answer some emails and book a flight for my return trip because my sister is going to her dream college and I want to be with her on visit week ($156)
10pm: I'm trying to read my paper for tomorrow's meeting but it's not going well because we are still talking about our problems
12pm: We cuddle and sleep. Argument's not resolved because neither wants to give
Total: 19 (Food) + 156 (Plane)
[Wednesday]
6am: wake. notice that it's 6am and go back to sleep
7am: wake and wake up bf. He's leaving today and so we cuddle, but like sadly (LDR, whats new.) Eventually I get hungry so I go and munch on plums. I am a bit distracted because I have a lot of meetings that I'm not well prepared for.
8:30am: catch bus. We joke a bit about yesterday's argument. Eventually, say goodbye when I transfer trams. I watch a video to prepare for my first meeting on the tram. Then I have a meeting, read to prepare for next meeting, rinse, repeat. Go out to eat with coworkers ($18)--conversations are so awkward (because of me. I don't have the extra mental capacity to try socializing with overworked dudes 4 years older than me and I've lost a concerning amount of EQ over the course of my phd.)
2:00pm: After a particularly stressful meeting (went well, thanks to my clutch skills) I decide I need to take a walk outside as a break. I go to the bakery to buy a chocolatine and apple danish ($5). I am not even hungry. I am just retail theraping and desserts look cute and smell good. Head back and have string of meetings until the end of the day. Very angry about my schedule
5:30pm: say fuck it cuz my brain is shot and go home. Why am I the only one who leaves before 6? Isn't this supposed to be Europe? I hate working a 9-6.
6pm: eat dinner (ramen), shower with rice on the stove (no rice cooker), rice burns omg now the bottom of the pan is burnt. I soak the pan overnight and leave my personal pan out for people to use.
7pm: reddit as revenge procrastination. I make a note to buy steel wool for the burnt pan
9pm: start writing money diary. Have wayy too much fun writing money diary while snacking on Comte and aloe vera water
11pm: realize its late and I have to finish reading a paper for Friday. I read a bit of the paper
1am: sleep
Total: 23 (Food)
[Thursday]
6am: Wake and look at random stuff on reddit for an hour and a half. I don't feel that hungry so I head out to work.
8:30am: I am very sleepy for some reason. I don't have a lot of meetings today, so I check emails, slack, and find a manageable task for the day. I end up getting distracted dealing with administrivia (ugh visa work!) I see that I have a seminar I want to attend the night and mark that down too.
10am: I decide I should try doing something productive so I start brainstorming. It doesn't really get anywhere, but I've realized that I probably need to read another paper to get a better idea of what I should do.
12pm: Head out to eat with other interns. I get shawarama ($16.) Delicious. Head back for more meetings. I try to read a bit but my focus is pretty shot so I start doing a more chill writeup instead.
7pm: We are having drinks at a bar tonight, and it takes time for people to get ready so I work late. We head out to the bar, which is crowded. I order a burger and soda because I don't want to make my sickness worse ($20.) We have a good time chatting and I get closer with some coworkers I didn't know well.
7:45pm: I say goodbye and leave early. As I'm scrolling through my phone on the late night bus, I realize that I've missed the seminar. I'm legitimiately devastated. I was thinking this seminar would help a lot with me pushing through a huge bottleneck in my thesis that's been stressing me out for the last year. I panic message my labmate to ask if the seminar was recorded, and thank the fucking lord, buddha, allah, hayao miyazaki, yes. It was recorded. My pants on fire are doused, my soul is saved. I cannot wait to fucking graduate.
9pm: I get back and notice the cleaning lady's cleaned the burnt pan. I feel a bad but grateful. After showering I am tired as hell. I really can't work today, but I stubbornly stay awake thinking that if I lay in bed scrolling through eBay long enough I might recharge. It doesn't work but I find some really nice stuff (cool architectural glass vase from a designer whose stuff I usually hate, secondhand clothes from one of my fav designers, suitcase from a brand with a style that I love but quality that is absolute trash for its price, and a gift for my college friend for her next bday) that I want to bid on.
11pm: Sleep
Total: 36 (Food)
[Friday]
6am: Wake and look at videos but now with zen. I have come to terms with my laziness. I get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 7:45 (progress!) and I snack on the chocolatine from two days ago. I finally find the time and motivation to deal with some administrivia and I head to work. On my morning bus trips, I like to press my forehead against the cool window glass and zone out to stripes of greenery but today I'm thinking about eBay and how I might travel to go visit my favorite eBay stores in person lol. A quick google search shows that a roundtrip ticket is $200. Interesting.
12am: Nice lunch with coworkers at a bakery. I get a croissant sandwich ($6) and a gift for one of my coworker friends ($14).
4pm: I wrap up writing a draft and go chat and review some stuff for school and then catch up with my coworker friend to give her the gift. 6pm: Head to the grocery for a dinner salad, plums, and some orange-mango juice ($13). Look for steel wool but there is none???
6:30pm: shower because I feel a little under the weather.
8pm: call my bf and tell him some juicy gossip at work. He gets bored around the 1 hour mark.
11pm: I start working on my writeup for school. I message the dude who is receiving the writeup that it's gonna be late. He is really nice about it but I feel like I'm taking advantage of his kindness because I am always late. Disappointed in myself but not sure how to change.
1am: sleep
Total: 33 (Food)
[Saturday]
6am: wake. Seriously not motivated to continue the writeup. I waste time on eBay and youtube for 5 hours.
11am: get dressed, brush teeth, and look alive. I've been planning out my day a bit so I call my bf while I clean my room and check up on my fridge. I toss out a quarter kg of ground beef that I forgot to finish, it is two days past expiry. I take stock of what I need for meal prep this week (carrot, onion, meat, steel wool) and load up my laundry before heading to the grocery. I end up also getting a lightweight aluminum bowl (it says stainless steel though??) for washing, blueberries, dried mangos, mushroom medley ($35.) I make curry with rice for next week and rice balls to add to miso soup later.
4pm: Eat curry. I call my bf after and try to write my writeup but I get very frustrated over trying to understand a paper and complain to my bf
7pm: I head over to my friend's place for a going-away party. I feel a bit ambivalent about attending because I still have my writeup but I had already agreed to come and I will miss these people when they leave. I want to aim to leave around 9pm. The host's house is lovely and we have some great food.
9:40pm: I head back home, shower, and work on my writeup.
11pm: sleep
Total: 35 (Food)
[Sunday]
7am: wake. My wakeup time is off from normal but then I remember that today is daylight savings in Europe. I still feel tired so I end up watching some dumb videos on youtube. I bid on two items on eBay ($70...tentatively). My friend from uni messages me about meeting up to chat tonight. Hyped.
11:45am: I remember my clothes are still in the dryer. The landlord wants the laundry room free between 11am and 3pm for airbnb reasons. I rush down to grab them. I got there right on time because the landlord has 3 minutes on the washer left.
12pm: Heat up curry and eat it with an apple, some Comte, and a plum. I take a supplement with water. I've been forgetting to do that.
12:30pm: Start working on writeup. I am determined to finish it before there is no sun left so I can enjoy the outdoors a little this weekend. Have my bf on vc.
4pm: One of my bfs jokes lands the wrong way and we have to talk about it. I'm fuming mad because I'm wasting time here.
6pm: Facetime with my friend from college! It's been awhile so we catch up for a long time. 9pm: Heat dinner (curry) and eat. Then I go and read a bit more.
11pm: I have a bit of a mental breakdown because I can't finish the writeup by the weekend, and it's not because I don't have time, but because I have bad mental health around it. I have a long heart to heart with my bf over the phone. I cry a little. Life is sometimes hard and everyone's life is really hard at some point. At some point I just start rambling about nothing. I fall asleep at 1:30am.
Total: 70 (eBay)
[Monday]
4am: wake. I have a bit of a shitty morning because my eyes are still swollen. I woke up early to work on this writeup but tbh I'm barely awake and not in the mood. This was a bad idea. I intermittenly wake and sleep between 4am and 6am, of which at tail end I realize that I'm just playing myself for a fool and then I actually sleep for a good hour or so.
7:15am: Wake for real and get ready.
8:30am: Arrive at work. I buy yogurt ($2) and eat a banana while checking emails. I decide to use company time to work on my writeup because I'm blocked at work by someone else right now anyways (this is about as far as my lukewarm ass will r antiwork.)
12am: Lunch with coworkers. I have a sandwich I really don't care for ($10.) I'm a bit woozy from lack of sleep so I don't remember much. Also, I got my period.
1pm: Meetings, meetings, meetings. So many meetings.
6:30pm: Meetings end. Catch up with my intern friend before she leaves. Will miss her. I go the grocery to buy a baguette ($1) and then go to the fancy, overpriced but also conveniently-located-right-next-to-my-bus-stop bakery to get a croissant and chocolates for my period ($25.)
7:30pm: I grab Mickey D's because I want to. Fish filet sandwich, fries, chicken nuggets, and a soft drink ($18.)
8:00pm: zone out in bed and chat with my bf
11:00pm: Work on the writeup
1am: sleep
Total: 56 (Food)
[Reflections]
Weekly total:
Food + Drink: 207
Home + Clothes + Beauty (aka eBay): 70
Transport: 156
Honestly, this was the first time in a long time that I had done such a detailed review of my week. I was honestly a bit impressed by how often I wound up on eBay (ngl the times I'm on reddit, I'm oftentimes searching for new brands and designers I like, so that I can go find them...on eBay. It kind of feels a little like I may have a bit of a shopping addiction?) I use it wayy too often to cope. The nice thing about it is that I always find great deals on eBay, but I think it's probably time to switch hobbies.
Also, I need better work hygiene. Like sleep hygiene but for work. I might start going into the office weekends just so that I can wrap up stuff early, leave, and then actually have a weekend.
This week was a bit pricier than usual because I ate out for dinner and bought a plane ticket, but tbh it's not that ooc for me. Food is almost exactly the same as what I spend a week in the US and usually I budget 400/m for misc stuff so it seems like my habits haven't changed much even after moving lol. I know some people might balk at the idea of 800/m for food and 400/m discretionary spending on a 2k/m income but being no car + having the school pay for my insurance (& offering a lot of free things in general) + most importantly, no debt makes it less of a dangerous risk and more of a poor choice lmao. In Europe, I think I will end up spending more on misc things here than back in the US because Europe offers a higher density of concerts, entertainment, and designers that I like within a 30 euros train distance (and 200 euros plane distance for the ones I really like.) My personal preference is to spend <2 hours a month total thinking abt finances (so basically budgeting if I have a major life change + just going thru my CC statement and updating my tracker) so I am happy with how I spend and prefer to overspend a bit rather than think about it too much.
For those who are curious, my monthly budget here:
food (weekly): 70 for groceries + unavoidable 50 for eating with coworkers 3x a week
overall (monthly): 3700 (income) - 2500 (rents) = 1200 - 300 (food after sodexo) = 900 - 600 (misc spending) = 300 (base savings) + 1000 (relocation) = 1300 (total savings) + a bit more after tax return
​
Hope you enjoyed reading! I'm curious to see people's reactions.

-looking for someone i can watch anime with or just anything in general - as the post says i’m 19 and black/african american and around 5’5 or 5’6 - i play fortnite (rarely), cod, naruto to boruto shinobi striker, and gta -during my free time i like to read webtoons, draw,or jus vibe late night to some music -i listen to artists like juice wrld, xxxtentacion, nba yb, king von etc -im loyal but introverted and just wanna find someone special to game with but to fall in love with at the same time -age range im looking for (18-22) -i don’t necessarily have a type so shoot ur shot ig! -open to any music or book suggestions

I bought a hydrometer and measured both my apple and cranberry juices at "7% potential alcohol." I added a TON of table sugar to one bottle and only got it up to 11%.
How much sugar do I really need? Is the hydrometer bad? Is there a conversion trick for 1 gallon jugs, e.g. "1 cup of sugar = 1% added alcohol"?

I'm about a week and a half into my experience of therapeutic ketamine and I've been journaling around each dose as part of my broader effort to be engaged in the "work" of it and really try to lean into the neuroplasticity it's (hopefully) affording me. Other people being transparent and communicative about their mental health journeys has been really impactful in moving me from the "I could probably benefit from therapy" stage to actually having a therapist—and now to beginning to integrate ketamine alongisde that as well. I thought I'd pay it forward and speak to my own experience so far as welll in the hopes that it might be similarly helpful for others and just generally be a positive way for me to reflect on it myself. Questions, tips, and whatever else ya'll might have are welcomed!
A little bit of context
I have anxiety and unipolar depression. I'm not sure as to whether or not I'd fall into the treatment resistant category or not as I've never tried "traditional" antidepressants, but the research I did on ketamine painted a picture of a potential therapy that had a safety profile and efficacy timeline that I was much more comfortable experimenting with as a first line treatment than that of SSRIs. Drug history wise I went into this with just a one-off experience with a pretty low key marijuana edible from college under my belt.
The treatment protocol
I've been presribed 200 mg ketamine doses in its RDT (Rapid DIssolving Tablet) form. My first two doses were half doses of 100 mg each and the next two I've done so far were the full 200 mg. The protocol throughout has been to hold the dose in my mouth for half an hour before swallowing.
The first two (half) doses
I went in on a mostly empty stomach—a couple small cookies a couple of hours before kickoff time to try to walk the line between a fast and not being so hungry as to be kind of faint or queesy from that. I'd taken a NAC (N-acetyl cysteine) supplement about 4-5 hours earlier in some fruit juice (the only way I was able to mask just how sulphiric and bitter that stuff is) and had been drinkning green tea throughout the day with another 15-20 ounces of it ready to drink post-experience. All of this in the interest of erring on the side of being too cautious when it comes to stuff that (maybe?) helps fend of potential bladder-related side effects.
I pulled up a POV nature hike video to play in the background took about 10 minutes to meditate (a simple mindfulness meditation on breaths in and out). and began the dose. After the NAC supplement the bitterness of the ketamine was nothing—it even struck me as slightly sweet in comparison. The biggest challenge by far was just holding my spit for a full half hour, but I made it through with just a few half swallows where I let my throat muscles do what they wanted to without letting (much) of the dose get carried out of my mouth.
Eye mask went on, recliner went back, and I started an ambient track from one of the many great ketamine therapy playlists out there. Over the course of the next (what felt like) ~15 minutes my body began to fade away (joining my mouth which had already been fairly well numbed from holding the ketamine). Visuals that had been pretty similar to standard patterns that might emerge from rubbing your eyes gradually shifted into a dark landscape that felt like it was made out of the music I had playing. I felt a distinct sense of accelerative motion. Nothing room-spinning like getting too drunk can elicite. More a sense of being on kind of a slow roller coaster.
By this point I'd left my body behind almost entirely. I rubbed my fingers together a few times along the way to reassure myself that I still existed, but was pretty comfortably detached, existing as a dissembodied conciousness after a shift that felt a lot like the moments leading up to anesthesia kicking in before a medical procedure. Zooming away from your body, except instead of nothingness and then waking up to the recovery room there was this whole new plane of existence.
As the experience continued I found that experiences and memories from my past were able to be kind of "projected" onto the landscape around me. I could inhabit them, but all the parts of myself that might have felt a visceral or emotional reaction to the more difficult or painful memories were just off. It was safe to observe them. Safe to imagine myself back in them. I was really struck by the implications of that for folks who have more significant and more serious traumas in their past rather than the more mundane slings and arrows I had.
Gradually the visuals faded away and my body started to fade back into existence. I called a friend who'd offered to be on-call if I needed support during the experience and, with a gradually increasing ability to communite effectively described much of the above to him over the next hour or so. The opportunity to reflect out loud to him really enhanced the catharthis I felt from the whole experience. I found myself grinning several times during the conversation, just revelling in the positive refreshed feeling I had coming out of it. I compared it to the brain equivelent of a long shower after a long day out at the gym or hiking or something.
The first full dose
One of the things I'd reflected on after the first half dose was that when considering the therapuetic value of the trip itself it seemed to me like it would have been useful to be similarly deep in it but to have had a longer experience at that depth. The full dose definitely gave me that, but involved a far deeper initial trip to get there—one that I think hit the level of full ego death.
Double the dose seems to hit like double the dose on every level. I was feeling some of the whooziness and far more numbness in my mouth within 5 or so minutes rather than 10-15. The half hour hold period was a blur, and the journey into the visual sound landscape felt more like 5 minutes than 15. Along the way into that space I saw my work calendar stretch, contract, and finally disintigrate in front of me, time became meaningless. So the next step up in intensity felt sudden. It just happened. Visuals became far more colorful, far more elaborate. Not necessarily the classic geometry of psilocybin or LSD that I've seen described, but definitely involving some elaborate fractals. I saw my life and my memories represented in front of me and like the calendar, they fell apart. They didn't feel real in the reality I was now in. I remember feeling momentarily alarmed a number of times throughout this process, primarily around key moments of realizing I didn't really know who or what I was anymore, but it was fleeting and I was able to continue to relax and give in to the trip. I could still get some limited sensory input from actual reality but I no longer really remembered what exactly what happening when I did something like rub my hands together. It didn't make sense as an input.
A little after peak intensity I was self aware enough to remember that outside the trip I did in fact have a body and that body needed to pee. On the half dose that had been pretty easy. On this full dose it was more involved. The first issue was that I'd fabricated a reality between the trip and actual reality. By that I mean that I pulled up my eye mask and sat upright before realizing that no, actually I didn't do either of those things and I was still in it. After I overcame that I found that I really didn't trust my legs to support me. They definitely worked, I just still felt so detached from them that it didn't feel like they would. So some crawling was involved to get to the bathroom and back.
The second half of the trip very much felt like the first half dose. I was in that gentler landscape of sound. Dissociated but not to the point of that full loss of self. Able to view memories in that safe detached way. As I was coming down from it I had a repeat of the initial debrief with my friend and again enjoyed that positive refreshed feeling—albeit alongside a bit more of a headache.
The second full dose
This one was unpleasant in a way that none of the others had been, and I think it was largely to my comparitively bad preparation in the leadup to taking the dose and taking it at the tail end of a day where I'd just been off. Low energy and out of it from a poor night's sleep the night before. As a result instead of going into it in a relaxed accepting post-meditation mindset I went into it with very little intention and feeling rushed to start before it got too late.
This led to an experience where I ended up with one foot in reality and one foot in the trip. Instead of the feeling of motion through the trip I felt like I was being stretched across realities. Instead of relaxing into it I was fighting it, including some anxiety that ramped up around the idea that my blood pressure would get too high and I'd die if I didn't stay in control and leading to me measuring it repeatedly (and then struggling to read and remember the results).
Being heavily dissociated but still trying to hold onto reality led to a trip where I was under the impression that I'd been some kind of pilot of my body, trying to live a life but ultimately failing by getting myself into the state I was in. It felt like I'd permanently lost control of my body and that I'd done so so catastrophically that my conciousness was also going to be permanently shattered and trapped between worlds. Dwelling on the failure in a kind of panic. This came through as a kind of pain that felt like intense pressure in my mind, contributing and probably feeding off that feeling of being stretched between worlds.
I rode it out to the less intense soundscape level but found that I was too shaken to really engage with it. I stayed up long enough to satisfy myself that I'd hydrated more than enough and went to bed. The next day was really a continuation of the last. Feeling out of it, feeling shaken from the experience the night before, plus feeling the more typical tiredness of the day after ketamine (something I got a little of on previous doses).
That said, today came with a lot more of the upsides back. Laughing more easily, feeling hopeful, energetic, etc... So I'm hopeful that even a bad trip still contributes positively to my mental health, even if on a slight delay.
Initial results and side effects(?)
The day I went into my first dose I wasn't in the deepest darkest pit of my depression or anxiety spirals. It was a pretty good day. So my most recent baseline of comparison isn't a maximaly stark one. That said, I definitely feel like I've noticed positive change already. I haven't had any kind of suicidal thinking, I haven't had an anxiety spiral get out of control, I've felt quite a bit less laid down and more able to feel hopeful about the future again. I've felt like there's a lower barrier of entry involved in doing things and making decisions, even at the mundane level of it being a lot easier to just wake up and get out of bed.
From a side effect standpoint I experienced some minor and brief bladder discomfort with the first full dose but I'm not sure whether to attribute it to the ketamine or some spicier than normal food I'd eaten after the dose. In either case, I increased the amount of watetea/aloe juice I was drinking before, during, and after the experience with the second full dose and the experience didn't repeat itself. So fingers crossed for continued smooth sailing there.
Reflections on preparation
Getting into a mindset of truly embracing the first few verses of Tomorrow Never Knows (and I suppose by extension the Psychadelic Experience) strikes me as really heavily involved with the positive experience of my first three doses. It's certainly a big part of what my third lacked. Going in accepting whatever it is I'll get and committed to taking the journey. Will I dissociate pleasantly and revisit memories in a healing way? Great! Will I experience death and have a really scary trip? That's fine too. "Turn off your mind, Relax and float down stream. It is not dying. Lay down all thoughts, Surrender to the void. It is shining." On less intense parts of the trips I actually used those lyrics as a kind of mantra; a reminder to, well, do exactly what they're instructing me to do.
I think that getting into that positive headspace (and being better rested on the day of a session) will be a harder criterion going forward for whether I'll go or no-go a ketamine dose that day.

Hello, I’m from the Midwest. I’m looking for someone I can talk to anytime. I’m usually craving some form of social stop to throughout the day
Here’s a bit about me: I like to play video games. I’m good at valorant csgo league. But beside competitive games I like to play chill games like portal and elden ring. I like to go outside and do things like long/skateboarding. That also includes going fishing, hiking, camping and hanging out with friends. I enjoy to smoke thc, it always brings me up. My favorite music is hiphop and I enjoy juice wrld. My favorite movie is Donnie Darko.
Overall I’m pretty laidback and chill, just looking for a fun time. Have a good day/night

March 29 2023, 7:43 AM
\* did not bother translating into Tagalog or English some conversations that I have recalled.*
I just got home. Yes I was not able to go home last night. I had to go to Panabo and visit Leah, a very good friend of mine. I had to see my Tatay Delfin and tell them that it might be quite sometime until they hear from me again. I know that I have posted that I won't be using Reddit until I am good but the cons of having no one to really talk to is quite a burden. I have uninstalled my Reddit on my phone but I am using my brother's laptop and before I clear the history of my google chrome account here on this laptop, I will be writing what had transpired the past few days and will be off the radar for quite sometime.

Last Sunday, March 26, my estranged husband reached out to me and wanted to meet me and the kids before he flies to Manila and have his training. He has plans on going abroad. Admittedly, I am glad for the opportunity. Kami lang man ang naay conflict and never did I bad mouthed him kay Rosie and Dodong. After all, he is their father. I also wanted to grab the chance in talking to him after almost three years of being separated.
We ate at Jollibee together. For an outsider, you will see a complete family. But for me, it was heartbreaking. This was my dream for my kids. For them to grow up in a family that is complete and has love and respect. My heart broke again for I felt like a failure kina Rosie and Dodong.
After eating, we went to Sun City and the kids played their with their bikes. Me and Jerry were sitting at the side. Kumustahan. Idk but I told him about the fact that I am sick. That my results came out already and I have to be under treatment for a year. For my gastrointestinal problems and my blood disorder and complications that if left untreated may cause heart and lung problems which I am even experiencing now. Added to that is my hypertension stage 1 that was even the cause of Papa's death 13 years ago.
He was silent. Quite new to this since he is more of the nagger sa amua duha. Then after a few minutes of silence, he said, "Sorry Jane.". Tears rolled down my cheeks. He went on, "Sorry kay napasakitan tika. Sorry sa tanan Jane. Sorry kay napasagdan tika. Nakita tika na kompetensya. Sukad uyab pa ta, always ta gina compare sa work. Sa tinood lang, gusto tika mauyab ato para ma prove na ma-under tika. Pero sweet ka. Murag ikaw pa gani lalaki sa atuang duha. Nakagusto ko nimo Jane pero dili man gud ikaw akoang giampo sa Ginoo. Sorry Jane. Sorry kaayo. Kabalo ko na kaya ra man nimo na wala ko. Strong man ka." And I just nodded. Tears are flowing incessantly.
After composing myself, I told him my piece, "Jer, sorry sad. Sorry if you saw me na competition nimo. Sorry I did not bow down to you that much. Karon nakasabot nako sa tanan. Unta lang, wala ko nimo napasakitan physically. Kay more than the physical abuse, what scarred me most was the harsh words. Imung neglect sa amua sa mga bata. Ok ra man to ug dili ko nimo love pero unta naningkamot lang ka para sa mga bata. "
Then the kids came over and the conversation never veered on that topic again. Before sending us off in a taxi, he just told me that after he has settled down wherever he is going, he will be helping out with the kids expenses. That he will save for an annulment since he is in a relationship for a year already and he sees his future with her. I just nodded and told Rosie and Dodong that they hug their Papa.
I took a leave on Monday. After quite sometime, nibalik kog sakay ug bus. I needed to clear my mind. All these emotional ups and downs took a toll on my health. I was told by my hematologist and Dr. Henry that my treatment should start immediately. Niya kay wala man koy plans on telling Mama and the family, I asked my doctors kung pwede ba na idelay lang akoang treatment until mahuman ang treatment ni Mama sa iyang bones. Six months. Tawn akoang mga doctors, naglingo lingo. I told them that if it is my time to go, nothing, not even treatments can stop it from happening. I had to acknowledge my hurts, pains so that I can let them all go. I want the pain to go away so badly that thinking of death doesn't scare me anymore.
When I knew that Mama is not my biological mom, I now understood

• Na mao diay na sukad pami bata, whenever naa mga packages gikan abroad, ingnan ko ni Mama na, "Paunaha lang ug pili imung mga manghod Jane."
• Na mao diay pag naa ko honors sa school, I was praised pero kung naa ko mga palpak, pwede ra kaayo na dli ko tingugan ni Mama ug one week.
• Na mao diay sukad pa sa una, pag ako ang last makauli, walay mabilin na dinner sa akoa. Pero pag si Kuya or akoang uban igsoon, pabinlan dyud sila ni Mama.
• Na mao diay tung sabay mi nagka problema ni Kuya sa finances, mas nitabang si Mama kay Kuya kesa sa akoa.
• Na mao diay na I felt that Mama is holding back on giving me so much affection

After our talk sa akoang husband and his words sank in sa akoa, I now understood

• Why sa amuang duha, ako dyud tung all out muhatag ug mga gifts, in showing my affection
• Why when I was promoted as HR Senior Supervisor, instead of being happy for our wins, he considered it as "my win" only and not ours in the first place
• Why all my loveletters to him that I arranged in a box were his first out sa mga gipalabay niya sa akoang Mother-in-law adtung nag general cleaning mi sa Agusan
• Why it was easy for him to hurt me and my feelings as if wala lang sa iyaha

After I visited Papa's grave at Tibungco, there I realized that I miss him so bad. That I never really got over losing him in an instant. That he was the only man whom I know really loved me. Then a funny thought came sa akoa. I now understand why ko na-attach dayon kay Bintot.

• Ever since highschool ko and college, si Papa lang dyud na ang willing magpaabot sa akoa pag sunduon ko niya. Never ko ginahulat. Ako ang always gahulat. Pero kay Bintot, his words were always, "Paaboton tika.", "Paaboton lang tika later ha."
• Siya lang akoang nameet niya nakauban ug kaon na naga pray before meals. Mao dyud tawn ingon sa akoang Papa na dapat ang lalaki pag mukaon, mag ampo dyud tawn or mag sign of the cross.
• Si Papa whenever we are walking maski asa, siya dyud na sa danger side sa sidewalk or when crossing the street. Na realize nako that Bintot has been like that. Nagtabok mi sa hi-way, mugunit siyag kamot (dili hold hands ha, kanang gunit lang sa akoang wrist banda, mura kog bata) tapos kung asa banda ang mga sakyanan, didto na siya na side.
• Little things - mabaw ra. Pero sa akoa big deal. Sweet. Anad ko na igat igatan sa mga guys. Yeah sweet man pero lahi ra ng murag ikaw ang gina protektahan.

Dli ba kaha ni kay tungod tigulang na si Bintot? Charet. Aside from my kids, he makes me smile. He respected me. He is, above all, a friend. Siya tung Jojo kung ako si Mary. What I feel for him will always be here maski kabalo ko dli ko niya gusto romantically. I don't know kung magkita pa ba mi. All I am praying for everyday is dili siya magdinanghag. Na always siya safe and healthy and matuman tanan desires sa iyang heart. Ambot murag na inlab ata ko adtung tawhana kay everyday naman siya naa sa akoang mga prayers. Atay.
After I got home from Butuan and to Panabo (kapoy naman diay magsakay ug bus niya maglingkod lang hahaha), I was able to realize so many things. And I hope kung naa magtiyaga na magbasa ani, I hope you get some good insights.

• To be more present. To not think of anything aside sa kung unsa ang naa sa imung atubangan.
• That I will hug my kids more and to add more seconds on our 20 second hug everyday.
• That I will have to change my lifestyle - my eating habits, to walk more so that I can somewhat be healthy hangtod makasugod nako sa akoang treatment after six months or so. Akoa lang sa to ibid-ibiran akoang mga doctors aron dli ko makasab-an.
• To eat healthy. Avoid junkfoods. I started to not drink soda anymore and stick with water or fruit juices. Sleep more (kani ang struggle). Drink more water. Walk more. I now walk everyday gikan sa amuang balay padulong Ponte Verde padulong office. Pag pauli, kung dli kaulanon, ginabaktas na lang sad nako from kanto Ponte to our house. Anything aron lang nako makaya na wala sa treatment until six months. I still feel queasy every now and then. My appetite has not returned fully. I still get bruises but I know, kaya ra ni tanan.
• To hug Mama more. I will have to thank her for lending her surname sa akoa when my real mom died of giving birth to me. I know (or nag assume lang ko) that she love me in her own way. And it doesn't mean that na dli ko niya love the way I want to doesn't mean na she loves me less. Most importantly, Mama and my siblings love Rosie and Dodong so so much that I am kampante na ma ok ra sila maski mawala ko.
• I have come to accept that when you love someone, when you really care, you won't ask for anything in return. That you won't be hurt by the love you give but by the love you expect to receive in return. When you realize that loving shouldn't have strings attached, mugaan imung heart.
• That before you give birth or create another human being, you have to be prepared. Before uttering words, huna hunaon sa makadaghan on the weight of the words and its impact sa mga bata. All I know is that I don't want my kids to feel what I felt for the past 33 years.

Honestly, kung hatagan pako higayon ni Lord na mabuhi pag dugay, I just want a life that is simple with my kids. Na unta makalakaw na balik si Mama and to give her the world if I still could. With someone I love and will love me in whatever way he can.
Niya matulog nako ha. Kapoy ning 24 hours ng nagmata. Dli nako idelete ning reddit nako kay basig diay puhon next year, ma ok nako, makabalik nakog sulat. For now, I will be with my kids. My family. My small circle of friends. People who matters. People na kabalo unsaon ko pag reach maski walay reddit or social media platforms. Hahaha.
Au revoir fellow redditors! Be healthy and keep safe.

-looking for someone i can watch anime with or just anything in general - as the post says i’m 19 and black/african american and around 5’5 or 5’6 - i play fortnite (rarely), cod, naruto to boruto shinobi striker, and gta -during my free time i like to read webtoons, draw,or jus vibe late night to some music -i listen to artists like juice wrld, xxxtentacion, nba yb, king von etc -im loyal but introverted and just wanna find someone special to game with but to fall in love with at the same time -age range im looking for (18-22) -i don’t necessarily have a type so shoot ur shot ig! -open to any music or book suggestions

It's Saturday. It's date night. To keep things a surprise I haven't told you what I've got planned for the evening, only telling you a rough idea of how to dress and to meet me at Brighton station at 6pm. I have even made a point to get an earlier train down purely to increase the tension. You get through the gates, and I can see walk turn into a run as you spot me. I can immediately smell your perfume. Then I notice your outfit. You are wearing a black bra under your bodysuit, and a short leather skirt; I'm wearing my black jeans and a white shirt.
I tell you that we have a table booked for 7pm, so we head to a bar for a drink beforehand. We sit down and order drinks. Your cleavage is on show through your bodysuit, already distracting me from our conversation a little. You notice me staring and we laugh about it, giving your boobs a subtle squeeze whilst I watch. Our drinks arrive as you're pestering me to try to tell you where the table is booked for. I tell you that I want to keep it a secret for you. We finish our drinks and get ready to leave for dinner. I help you with your coat, brushing my hand against your boob as you put it on.
You place your hands around my bicep as we walk over to the restaurant. I finally tell you that the table is booked at Burnt Orange. We arrive at the restaurant and are seated. We both order cocktails. We flirt as we wait, going as far as telling me how you expect we’ll be having a lot of fun tonight when we get home. You catch me staring at your cleavage again and playfully kick me under the table, starting a game of footsie. You decide to wind me up slightly more, kicking your shoe off and running your foot up the inside of my leg. We finish our food and I tell you the next part of our date, it's mini-golf. We get up to leave, again brushing your boobs as I help you with your coat.
We leave the restaurant and I kiss you on the cheek. You respond to this with a peck on the lips. My hands are now on the small of your back, pulling you close to me. We kiss for longer this time, smudging your lip gloss across my mouth. It's only a short walk to mini-golf, where we order more drinks, collect our putters and then start at the first hole. By this point in the night, I'm almost constantly holding one hand on your waist. I make a joke about getting a hole-in-one when we get home, giving your bum a gentle squeeze as you walk up to take your turn. You get the ball in straight away and jump up and down in celebration, making your boobs bounce with you. As you bend over in front of me to retrieve you ball, your skirt rides up and exposes your bum slightly. You then head to the toilet quickly, when you come back you tell me you have a surprise for me, but that I have to work out what it is.
We play the next hole, and once again you bend over, this time lifting your skirt up slightly yourself. As you bend over, I notice you have undone your bodysuit, with nothing underneath. I immediately get a semi. I ask if that is the surprise and you wink at me, telling me that I'm not allowed to touch it until you tell me that I can. We finish our game, and head to another bar for one last drink before catching the train home.
We sit down, this time next to each other. I place my hand on your thigh. You tell me how turned on you are, and I try to move my hand up your leg, but you stop me and tell me that I'm still not allowed to touch it yet. I grumble about how horny I am, but you tell me that I've got to wait. We walk back to the station and get on the train. As soon as it starts moving, you lean towards me and whisper into my ear, "Touch me.” You open your legs apart. I can feel where your juices have dripped down the insides of your leg. Trying our best to be as nonchalant as possible, I trace my fingers up the inside of your leg, around your lips, and onto your clit. You hold your breath in an attempt to suppress the moans. I slide my middle finger inside you, stroking the inside of your pussy. You grab my wrist in an attempt to stop me before you moan too loudly, but it only encourages me more. We arrive at our station and get a taxi home. We sit in the back, you’re sat on my hand. On the short journey, I run my fingers around your vagina with one hand, and pull your left hand to my lips for me to kiss with the other.
We get inside the house and race upstairs. You tell me that you have another surprise for me, but that I have to get in bed and wait for you. After a few minutes, you walk into the bedroom, wearing a new babydoll. I'm so turned on, I feel ready to explode before we've even started. I stand up, place my hand on the side of your face and pull you in for a kiss. With my other hand, I start playing with your pussy.
"You look amazing", I just about manage to mumble between kisses. You then take my erect cock and start to play with it, before pushing me back onto the bed, with you now on your hands and knees in front of me. You lean over and kiss down my body, kissing up my shaft and then the head. You start by wanking me off, before sucking. I hold your hair in a fist, pulling it slightly as you circle my head with your tongue. You hold my balls in your hand, squeezing them gently, before kissing them a little. As I start getting close to orgasm, you stop, telling me that it's my turn now. You lay down and open your legs apart. I start with kissing your stomach, and get lower and lower, until I reach your pussy. I rub your clit with my fingers, before licking it in small circles. I start fingering you at the same time, I can see your back beginning to arch and your body wriggle slightly. I then grab your vibrator and use it on you whilst still eating you out. I come up to kiss you, and slide my cock inside of you. I start thrusting slowly, playing with your boobs at the same time. I then suck on your boobs, causing you to moan, and ask me for more. I keep playing with your clit as I start pounding harder and faster. As I lean in to kiss you, you grab my head with both hands and hold me in, not letting the kiss end. I then roll you over and start to fuck you from behind. You grab your vibrator and place it on your clit, before using it on my balls and cock. I cum inside of you.
You roll back over, and I start kissing you again. We keep kissing, until you are begging to go again. I tell you that you have to be in charge this time, you agree.

“I know you’re awake…Katherine…Kaaaaatheriiiine…”
“Shut up.” I had been awake for a little while, just staring at the wall.
“I knew it.”
“Can you not sleep?” I rolled over and looked at him as I asked the question.
James was in his rocking chair in the corner of our bedroom right next to the window. The moon outside was illuminating his face.
“I’m ok. Just a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?” I did my best to sit up. I was almost at my due date and I was enormous. During the pregnancy I wasn’t quite as sensitive to his little issues that I normally was.
James suffered from severe bouts of anxiety and he would spend lots of nights just rocking in his chair, trying not to worry about things.
“I think we should get a dog.”
“What?”
“We should get a dog. Every kid should grow up with a dog.” He turned his head to look at me. Most of his face was in shadow, but his eyes were bright. He smiled at me.
“Ok. Is that it? That’s what’s keeping you up?”
“Yes. Oh, and I also love you.”
“I love you too.”
“And I farted.” I had never known James to end anything on any kind of sappy note, so he always had to say or do something childish to ruin the moment.
I loved him so much.
-
“He’s kind of gross.” There were so many dogs at the shelter, but my husband immediately went to the mangiest one. A large mutt with his tongue hanging limply out of the side of his mouth. The mousey brown fur looked like someone had teased it with a brush and sealed the deal with an entire can of hairspray, and he had a slight limp as it walked toward this strange new man making baby talk. I watched the dog cock its head from side to side like it understood what James was saying.
“He’s perfect.” I could tell that James was in love.
“Why him?”
“Well…every other little guy in here is so animated and vibrant. He’s…um…not.”
“He looks like an oversized mouse with bad hair.”
“That’s perfect!”
“What?”
“We can name him Feivel! Does Feivel like that name?! Who’s a bugaboo doggie?! Who’s da doggie?!” The dog started making inquisitive whines and that lazy tongue came to life and began to lick the strange man's fingers through the chain link fence.
Feivel came home with us, and for a month that dog never left my husband’s side.
-
“What happened?”
“Can you put me on speaker so Art can hear me?”
“Ok. You’re scaring me Katherine.” I was trying to hold it together. James’ parents had recently moved to the east coast, so I had no choice but to call them on the phone with the news. “Ok, you’re on speaker.”
“Ok. James… um… James had an accident. It was a hit and run. Someone hit him with a car while he was crossing the street and then just kept driving.”
“Oh my God! Is he alright?”
“He’s um…” I had been with James since our sophomore year in high school, but we had been friends since we were six. I had known his parents for almost just as long.
“He’s…he’s gone.”
“Oh my God…”
I had to make lots of phone calls that day. It was the hardest day of my life.
-
“Mommy needs to talk to you.”
Feivel had been pacing the house for three days. When he wasn’t pacing, he would just sit at the front door waiting for James to come home. He wouldn't sit with me, almost like he blamed me for James not being there.
“Come here. Feivel! Come here.” He finally gave in and walked over to the couch. I patted the cushion next to me and he jumped on the couch and sat down.
He grunted at me several times and when he was done voicing his frustrations, his tongue jutted out of the side of his mouth and just hung there.
I don’t know if it sounds stupid or not, but I had a conversation with him about what had happened to his Daddy and why he wasn’t with us anymore. I felt like it would have been cruel not to.
He stared at me through the whole story and when I was finished, there was a heavy silence between us that was eventually broken by a small cry from him before he put his head in my lap.
-
Three weeks later, I had Casey. The birth was rough and there were multiple issues. For a little bit there, I was afraid that I might lose her too. She had to stay in the hospital longer than I would have liked, but when I was finally able to bring her home, Feivel took to her instantly.
He was always next to her.
-
As the years went by, I made sure Casey knew every detail about her father. I would tell her stories and Feivel would always add something in his own language. I don’t know if he was backing up what I said or perhaps contradicting it, but I do know he was always happy to be included in the reminiscing.
Shortly after she turned four, Casey’s favorite pastime was drawing with her crayons. I had quite a few pictures up on our fridge of our little family in the midst of imagined adventures. She always drew James in with us. The way she always emphasized his balding head would make me smile.
I would BBQ on Friday nights because James had always done the same.
When we first moved in, he had built a huge grilling station out of brick and bought this ridiculously large grill that could almost fit an entire cow inside of it. James had said we would need it for the amount of children and grandchildren that we were going to have. We would sit in front of it every Friday night with a bottle of whiskey while he cooked.
Casey and I would sit at the same table and have juice while we made hot dogs. I thought it was important to keep some of our traditions alive for Casey.
In spite of losing James, we were happy. I started to adjust to a life without a partner, which was not a very easy thing to do since we had been a part of each other’s lives since we were both six years old.
-
Almost five years after I lost James, I met Stephen. I was a busy woman with a young daughter and up to that point, I had not even thought about dating. There was something different about Stephen though. I was interested in him from the first time we met.
Casey and I were playing in the park with Feivel one day and somehow we lost him. He just vanished. I looked for him for hours while my mom watched Casey, but I couldn’t find him. For three days I was beside myself and Casey was constantly in tears. Then, Stephen showed up on my doorstep holding our Feivel at the end of a leash.
A tall man with thick hair and trendy glasses wearing a flannel and jeans.
“Oh my God!”
“Hi. I uh…found him in the park down by the river.” I snatched him up and he started whimpering and shaking his butt back and forth. I completely ignored the man at my door. When Feivel had had enough of my pets, he ran inside to look for Casey.
“Thank you so much. Oh my God, you have no idea how much we missed him.” I was wiping tears from my eyes.
“Oh, I might have a clue.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
As I was wiping my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I realized that the man standing at my door was gorgeous.
“Can I…let me give you some money or something. You have no idea how happy you just made my daughter.”
“No, that's ok. Just happy to help.”
“Thank you.”
There was something about the way he looked at me with his eyes. My stomach fluttered. I wanted to invite him in, and the fact that I wanted to do that upset me.
I thanked him. I didn’t even ask him for his name. I’ll admit that I even closed the door on him a little more abruptly than I meant to.
All three of us shared my bed that night. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in years.
-
A couple weeks went by and then I saw him again, the man who had found Feivel. He was sitting in the park with his back against a tree, reading a book. Casey and I had been taking turns throwing a frisbee for Feivel, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I decided that I would thank him again and apologize for being so awkward.
As I walked closer, I took in every detail. I was sure he was a few years younger than I was and he looked very athletic. His glasses rested on the tip of his nose as he read from The Winter of Our Discontent; Steinbeck has always been my favorite author.
Feivel must have seen him just as I was about to say something because he reached the man before I did. I could hear Casey calling for me.
“Hold on honey. Give me a second.”
Feivel was all over the man and he was laughing at the writhing whining beast who was trying its best to lick every inch of his face.
“Feivel, don’t be rude.”
“No, it's fine. I’m glad he remembers me.”
“Yeah. Wow, he really remembers you.” Feivel was so excited that he started to whimper and expose his tummy. “Feivel! Have some self respect!”
The man stood up next to me. My stomach was fluttering again and I could not stop looking at his eyes.
“Hey, I have to apologize about…uh the way I kinda shut my door in your face.” He laughed.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Mommy?” Casey had run up behind me and was partially hiding herself behind my leg while she stared at the man. “Mommy?”
“This is my daughter Casey.”
“Hello Casey.”
“Hello.”
“My name’s Stephen.” Casey stayed behind my leg.
“It’s ok honey. Tell him your name.”
“I’m Casey and this is my mom. Her name is Katherine.”
“Well…you’re a very pretty girl and it’s very nice to meet you.” I noticed that his eyes started to tear up while he was looking at my Casey. He wiped his eyes and shook his head. He was clearly embarrassed. “I’m sorry. She just… reminds me of my niece. We lost her a few years ago.”
We talked for a while that day. Every time he looked over at Casey, I swore that he was on the verge of tears.
-
It didn’t take very long at all; I was hooked. Feivel was hooked. Eventually, even Casey was hooked.
I tried to take it slow. I didn’t want to date anyone. I wasn’t over James and I knew it, but I just wanted to be around this man and I honestly could not explain what it was at the time. I always wanted him at the house, so he was there all the time. I loved it when he looked at me.
For the most part, he was great, but there were some things that were off. There were things I should have paid more attention to, but again, there was something about him that made me feel like I needed him.
He would kiss me with his eyes open every time, and even though the way he kissed me was great, something about it still gave me the creeps. I would crack my eyes open sometimes in the hopes that he had stopped doing it. Every time I saw those eyes staring back at me, I felt uneasy. I had only ever been with James, so I thought maybe some guys just did that, even though all of my friends thought it was weird too.
He also did things when he would come over that would raise the hairs on the back of my neck. Maybe that description is a little too harsh for what I was thinking at the time, but it fits now.
He would move things around the house. The toilet paper would be folded in that terrible triangle every time. James used to do that. He would also randomly adjust my coffee cups in the cabinet so the handles all faced the same way. Again, something my James used to do.
I had no idea what he did for a living, he told me he was in construction, but I had no idea who he worked for. He had never invited me over to his house, nor did he ever talk about his family.
My friends told me that I needed to relax and just enjoy myself. I admit, for the most part he seemed like the almost perfect guy. It was almost like he knew everything about me.
-
It was three months before he stayed overnight. I had Casey stay over at my mother’s house because it didn’t feel right to have her there.
We tried to be intimate, but I felt dirty. He said it was fine. He stayed anyway.
In the middle of the night I rolled over and cracked my eyes open. He was in the rocking chair in the corner. The moon was illuminating his eyes while he looked out the window. I thought I was dreaming for a minute.
“I know you’re awake…Katherine…Katherine?”
I didn’t say anything. I pretended to sleep. He turned his face to me and smiled. His eyes were so wide and bright.
“Katherine?”
I never went back to sleep that night. I just laid there for a while going back and forth from feeling like I was betraying my husband to feeling like I was an idiot who should just enjoy having a relationship with someone.
Around four in the morning, I had finally begun to drift off to sleep, but Stephen started making noises.
I rolled over and realized that his eyes were wide open. I was going to say something, but he was asleep. I waved my hand in front of his face to make sure.
He began to grunt and his body would shake every now and then. He was having a bad dream and his open eyes began darting back and forth.
“Get out of my head…” He whispered it twice. “Fuck you…out of my head…Mine now…”
It was too much to take. I quietly slid off of the bed and backed my way out of the room. Just as I made it to my door, his eyes moved and focused on me. He was still asleep, but it was like his eyes were watching me just the same.
I walked downstairs. He continued to talk in his sleep for over an hour. I was pretty sure right then that I had to break it off, or at least really slow down. I just didn’t feel right. And to be honest, I was a little creeped out.
-
I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen and thinking about what I was going to say when something caught my eye. Casey’s pictures of our family on the fridge looked different.I got up and took a closer look. James had been changed in every picture. He didn’t have short hair anymore, it was full and he was also wearing glasses. My heart skipped a beat and I felt a terrible lump in my throat. I wondered what this man had said to my daughter to convince her to remove her father from the pictures. I was done.
A few minutes later, he came downstairs in a rush. He was wearing a black Flogging Molly t-shirt. James’ favorite shirt.
“What are you doing?”
“Good morning! I forgot to turn on the alarm! I’m going to be late for work!”
“Stephen, why are you wearing that shirt?”
“I found it in your closet.”
“But why are you wearing it?”
“Well in case you forgot, I ripped the one I was wearing last night.”
“That’s my husband’s shirt.”
“Oh come on, he’s not going to be wearing it anytime soon. I gotta go, I’ll see you after work.” He leaned in for a kiss, but I backed away. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t think this is going to work out.”
“What?”
“I think we need to take a break.”
“Over a t-shirt?”
“There’s…there’s a lot of things Stephen.”
“Are you being fucking serious with me right now?” His voice raised, something I had not yet experienced with him. Something in my head told me to back away from him, so I did. I backed right up against the counter within reach of my knives. It made me feel better.
“I think so.”
“But I don’t want to do that. Tell me what I did and I’ll fix it. I’ll take off the shirt. Katherine…please.” I looked right into his eyes. I thought maybe I was overreacting, but the pictures, messing with my daughter to erase her father, that was the breaking point.
“Please leave.”
The kindness in his face fell away to an ugliness that made me start to tremble. He noticed it. A smile slowly started to rise and it looked like he was going to take a step closer. I rested my hand on the counter behind me, inches from the knife block. He halted and stood still.
“Feivel!” My dog ran into the kitchen at the sound of my voice and looked back and forth between us. I could tell that he sensed the tension. Feivel walked over to my side and just looked back at Stephen without making a sound.
“Are you going to sick the dog on me? Are you crazy or something?”
“Stephen, I just want you to leave.”
“I thought I did everything right.” He let out a sigh. “I had all the answers. I know everything about you and I still can’t make it work. This cannot be my fault…it’s not…it’s your fault! Why are you doing this?!”
“Leave. Now.”
“Ok…I just…” He started laughing and looked down. He tapped my husband's shirt. “Well…shit… I tried to fuck Katherine, and all I got was this lousy tshirt…is that how this going to end?” He just stared at me. I wouldn’t answer him. “I don’t think so. You’re going to change your mind.” He turned and walked out of the door, slamming it behind him.
After he left, I locked all of the doors and called my mother. I told her what happened and not to take Casey to daycare. I told her that I would be able to pick her up in just a little bit. I called all my friends and let them know what happened. I basically wanted to hear other people tell me that Stephen was nuts and in the event that something happened to me, I wanted people to know where to look first.
I ripped all of Casey’s drawings off of the fridge and crumpled them up and threw them away.
I walked back upstairs to get dressed and I noticed other things.
I had only kept a few clothes that belonged to my husband and some of them were missing. I had a small jewelry box on the bathroom counter, and most of the rings and necklaces that James had given me were also missing. I walked through the house and began to notice random little things were missing here and there and the only thing they all had in common were that they were gifts given to me by James.
-
Before I picked up Casey at my mother’s, I called the police to see if anything could be done, even though I was pretty sure that I knew the answer. Other than being a creep and a thief, Stephen actually hadn’t done anything. There was nothing the police could do.
I took Casey to the park to explain to her why Stephen wouldn’t be around anymore. Feivel was sitting next to her in the backseat. I started by asking her about her drawings.
“I didn’t change them.”
“Casey, honey, I saw them this morning. They’re changed. You changed the way daddy looks.”
“But I didn’t mommy. I wouldn’t do that. Maybe Stephen did it.”
“You think Stephen took your crayons and changed your drawings?”
“Maybe. He thought he was going to be my new daddy anyway, so maybe he thought it was a good idea.”
“Wait. Who said he was going to be your new daddy?”
“He did. He said it lots.”
When we got to the park, I made sure Casey stayed right next to me. We started throwing the frisbee down by the river so Feivel could play in the water if he wanted. I asked her some more questions about Stephen and anything else he might have said to her. It didn’t sound like he had said much more.
We were about to leave when Casey started waving at something.
“Look Mommy, it’s Stephen!”
He was standing on the other side of the river, and he was waving back to us. He was wearing a button up shirt and a pair of jeans that both belonged to my husband. He was smiling at me.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Are you mad at Stephen or something?”
“Yes honey. I don’t think we’re going to be talking to Stephen anymore. I think he needs to go away.” I reached down and scooped up my daughter and began to walk back toward our car.
“We’re going home. Come on Feivel! Feivel?” My dog had been staring at Stephen and he still hadn’t moved. “Feivel, come!”
Stephen whistled and that was enough for Feivel. He jumped into the river and began swimming toward the other side. I called after him over and over, but he eventually made it to the other side and ran over to Stephen. He gave me one last wave before he reached down and clipped a leash onto Feivel’s collar. He turned around and started to walk away.
I ran back to the car and put Casey in her car seat as fast as I could and I drove to the parking lot on the other side of the river, but by the time I got there, he was gone with our dog.
-
I filled out a report with the police and tried to get a restraining order.
“Ok, so here’s the problem. You said his name was Stephen Tasavo?”
“That’s right.”
“Ok look. This is not going to make you feel any better, but this man doesn’t exist.”
“What?!”
“He gave you a false name, Miss. Couldn’t find anybody by that name fitting his description. You got him on social media anywhere? Does he have any friends?”
“I…I don’t know. I don’t have any of that crap. Social media I mean. I guess I just…never asked him about any of it. We’ve only been seeing each other for a few months.”
“Well, from the pictures you took on your phone, we know what he looks like. We’re going to keep an eye out for him, whoever he is. I suggest you keep your doors locked and inform the people at your daughter’s school. If there’s anywhere else you can go, I don’t think that would be a bad idea.”
I went home that night anyway. Casey was a mess after Stephen took Feivel and I thought that it would be a mistake if I didn’t give her some sense of normalcy. I had four friends stay with me that night.
-
A month later I got a call from a number that I didn’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Don’t hang up the phone Katherine. Feivel really wants to hear your voice.”
“You sick fuck! Give me back my dog!” He was quiet for a moment.
“I've got you on speaker and you’re saying nasty things like that. He can hear everything you’re saying. Can’t you?! Can’t you?! Who’s a bugaboo doggie?! Who’s da doggie?!”
“Stephen…I’ll do whatever you want…please just give him back to me.”
“Come on Katherine. I know you know that’s not my name.”
“What is your name?”
“You know, I thought I had to become someone else to be with you. But I don’t think so. I’m going to like you getting to know the real me.”
“Please just give me my dog.”
“I’m going to make you see that it was destiny that your husband died. I’m going to make you see that his death was what it took to bring us together.”
“You son of a bitch!”
“Anyway, I’ll see you soon.” He hung up the phone.
I called the police, and after that night, I didn’t hear anything from Stephen for two months. Two months of looking over my shoulder. Two months of waiting.
I bought a gun. I kept it in the drawer of my bedside table. I wasn’t taking any chances.
-
I woke up with a start in the middle of the night and I heard the sound of muffled whining. I sat up in bed and looked around my bedroom before I grabbed the gun and got up. I walked to my window and noticed that it was slightly open. I looked down into the backyard.
Smoke was pouring out from underneath the closed lid on the grill. It looked like something was tied around the handles in order to keep it shut. I ran downstairs to the patio door. I opened it and held the gun in front of me. The smell of something burning was making me sick to my stomach. Something was crying out inside of the grill, frantically trying to get out. My heart sank as I realized that it was Feivel’s collar tied around the handle.
I screamed and grabbed the hose and turned it on. I lunged for the lid of the grill and I burned my hands as I tore away the collar from the handles.
I threw the top to the grill open and sprayed the hose inside. Feivel leapt out of the grill and down onto the brick patio. I soaked him with the hose. A belt had been tied around his muzzle. I ripped it off of his face and kept the water on him.
I turned to look back at the house. I didn’t want to leave him, but I realized that I had left my phone upstairs. I opened my mouth to scream for help, but then I had a hard time making any sound when I saw what was on the patio table. There was a bottle of whiskey on it with two glasses that had already been poured. There was a note on the table.
“It’s Friday Night! Time to BBQ!”
There was also something else on the table. A small fake rock. James and I had always kept it hidden amongst the other rocks in the backyard.It had a small compartment on the underside where we kept a spare key to our house. Stephen was in our house.
I looked back down to Feivel. I was left with the awful decision of having to leave my dog. He was gasping for air, but he was still alive. I had to get to Casey to make sure she was safe.
“Feivel, I’m sorry!” I left the hose laying across him and I ran back inside.
As I ran up the stairs, I saw that Casey’s door was closed and as I reached out for the knob, I heard a familiar noise coming from my room. The sound of a rocking chair. I cracked open Casey’s door and I could see that she was still asleep in her bed.
“Kaaaatheriiiiine…”
I closed the door and held the gun in front of me as I walked into my room.
The man I knew as Stephen was rocking in my husband's chair, wearing my husband’s clothes, and holding a house key that only myself and my husband knew about.
“I’ve missed you so much.” I raised the gun without saying a word. My hand was shaking. He was smiling and rocking back and forth. “You’re not going to shoot me.”
“Goodbye Stephen.” I pulled the trigger and nothing happened but a dry snap. I pulled the trigger again, but nothing happened.
“If you held that thing more often, you could probably tell that it’s just a little heavier when it has bullets in it.”
I lunged for my bedside table and pulled the drawer open. The small box of bullets was gone.
“I unloaded it while you were asleep.” He stood up. I ran for Casey’s door, but he caught me before I could open it. I felt his hand go over my mouth and he picked me up by my shoulders. I struggled as he carried me closer to the top of the stairs.
“I’ve watched you sleep for so many nights now, just wondering how I could get you back. But I think there might not be any saving of what we had.” He hit me across the face and threw me down the stairs.
I heard my ankles snap when I hit the floor, and I screamed. His footsteps were quiet as he started walking down the stairs.
“We could have had a life together. I really wanted that. I even put something on the grill, but then you went and ruined that too.”
“Mommy?!” Casey had run out of her bedroom and was at the top of the stairs looking down on us. Stephen was just a few steps away from me. I started to crawl along the floor toward the kitchen.
“Go back to your room Casey. You’re mother and I are fighting.”
“Casey! Get Mommy’s phone and call for help!” I screamed, as I pulled myself along the floor and into the kitchen. All I could think of was getting to the block of knives.
“Where do you think you're going off to? Wait, I know…”
Stephen ran around me and to the kitchen counter. He picked up the block of knives and spilled them on the floor. “Come and get ‘em Katherine.”
He walked back over and stood over me while I crawled toward the knives. He was laughing.
“To think, if someone hadn’t killed your husband, none of this would have happened.”
I tried to shut his voice out of my head as I crawled forward. I was getting closer.
“You know the person who hit him did actually stop for a moment…just a moment…he opened his car door and almost ran over to help, but then something stopped him. Did you know that?”
He’s lying Kathering. Keep moving.
“I was there. If I close my eyes, I can still see the whole thing. If that guy had helped instead of just driving away, maybe James would have survived and what I’ve had with you and Casey… all that would never have been.”
I was right in front of the pile of knives. I reached out and then he stomped on my hand. I felt bones break. He leaned down, grabbed me, and turned me over to look at him. He was crying.
“I still think it was destiny that brought us together, but I was wrong about you. You don’t have any place in our family. Me and Casey. I’m going to take her far away from here. She’s mine now.” Tears were pouring out of his eyes and he was trying to blink them away, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Son of a bitch! Stop it! Stop it!” He rubbed at his eyes with one hand. “She’s mine now!”
I brought my knee up as hard as I could between his legs and he dropped me to the floor. He fell to his knees right next to me. I could hear sirens outside.
I reached out and grabbed the largest knife. I raised it over my head, but before I could swing it down, he grabbed my wrist and started to squeeze. I felt my grip start to loosen and I was afraid that I was going to drop the knife. He started to laugh as the sirens were getting closer.
“Looks like it’s time we get things over with.”
I felt his body slam against mine, and at first I had no idea what had happened, but then Stephen began to scream and I could hear Feivel growling behind him.
Feivel had managed to fit his jaws around the back of Stephen’s neck and buried his teeth to the gums. He was pulling Stephen away from me; blood poured down either side of his throat.
I tightened my grip on the knife and I pushed it into Stephen’s stomach over and over and over again. Feivel eventually let go of Stephen, and as I continued to plunge the knife into the mushy mess I had made, my dog limped over and started to whimper.
As Stephen lay there gasping for breath, I stared at his eyes. They were staring back at me and he was no longer weeping. I felt crazy, but his eyes looked kind. They looked happy.
-
“How are you feeling now?” I remember the detective had this perfect voice. A Paul Winfield voice. Had the things he was about to tell me weren’t so terrible, I would probably only remember how beautiful that voice was.
“I can’t walk, but they’ve got me so drugged up that I don’t mind very much. I’m going to be able to go home tomorrow. Or…to my mother’s at least.”
“How’s your daughter doing?”
“She’s good. She’s staying with my mother.”
“I hear that hero dog is going to pull through.”
I smiled. Tears started coming up thinking of Feivel sitting somewhere without me while he was going through all this.
“He’s not going to be a hundred percent, but he’s going to have a good life. He deserves it.”
“Ok. Now for the unpleasant stuff. We finally got some answers on who this guy is. Was, excuse me. His name is Joshua Linder. He’s been keeping a small apartment only a mile away from your house for the last three years. It looks like he’s been watching you the whole time. All kinds of things all over his apartment.”
“Did he kill James?”
“No. He couldn't have. Up until three years ago he lived across the country from you. Even then, there was no way he was driving the car that killed your husband. He was legally blind.”
“What?”
“Not completely blind, but may as well have been. That is his connection to you, and to your late husband I’m afraid.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You said he knew things he shouldn’t have right?”
“Yes.”
“Where the spare key was, um… certain things you shared with your late husband, correct?”
“That’s right.”
“Katherine, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it. You are aware that your husband was an organ donor, were you not?”
“Yeah.”
“It seems that uh… Mr. Linder was the recipient of your husband’s corneas after your husband passed. Now how he found out about you, we have no idea. There’s some kind of phenomenon that’s called cellular memory that frankly I think is…”
He kept talking, but the only thing on my mind were Stephen’s eyes.
-
My little family of three moved far away from home. We now have a house next to my husband’s parents where Casey can get to know her father’s parents and Feivel can go on walks with me while I pull him in his wagon when he gets too tired. I try not to think too much of what happened, but I still have trouble sleeping.